Adoption: A Beautiful Way to Give Children a Loving Home

By Irene M. Lagan
HERALD Staff Writer
(From the issue of 12/5/02)

Many Americans are familiar with adoption. Women seeking life-affirming solutions to unplanned pregnancies and the increasing number of couples who experience infertility have made adoption more commonplace. According to a 1997 survey, six in 10 Americans have a personal connection to adoption, either as adoptive or birth parents of a child placed for adoption, or through family and friends who have been through the adoption process.

Pat Mudd is associate director of Social Services for Catholic Charities in the Diocese of Arlington. Officially credited with 30 years of service, mostly with Children’s Services, Mudd believes that adoption is still an often misunderstood process. "Adoption is a beautiful way for a child to find a loving home," she said.

Catholic Charities established Children’s Services in 1947 to provide support services to birth mothers and babies. According to Mudd, unplanned pregnancies became increasingly common following soldiers’ return home at the end of World War II. Since single parenting was not socially acceptable, most unwed mothers placed their children for adoption. Today, the goals of Children’s Services are the same: supporting birth parents and planning for the child. The difference is that today, many more women choose to parent their babies as single mothers. Last year, 112 out of 130 girls who contacted Catholic Charities Children’s Services for help with unplanned pregnancies decided to raise their babies as single parents. Others decided to entrust children to foster care temporarily, and others placed their children for adoption.

"We are dedicated to helping these women and their children get a good start in life. Most women today want to keep their babies. That was not the case 30 years ago, but our mission is still the same. We try to help them get a plan in place to care for their children. We also counsel fathers," Mudd said.

Typically, a woman in an unplanned pregnancy situation will call Catholic Charities during her second trimester, often when the pregnancy begins to show. A professional social worker is assigned as a case worker, and begins helping the young woman access appropriate care while carefully exploring parenting and adoption options. Birth mothers are encouraged to discuss their plans with parents, family and the child’s father

Linda Cullen is program director for Children’s Services in Burke. She oversees foster care, adoption and crisis pregnancy services, and has been working with Catholic Charities since 1973. Openness in adoption, she said, has evolved over the last 20 years. Birth parents and adoptive families are more active and more comfortable in the process than they used to be. While the agency is responsible for the ultimate placement decision, birth parents are encouraged to describe characteristics they seek in adoptive families and choose the adoptive family, while prospective parents are asked to describe the range of children they feel they can parent.

At Catholic Charities, birth parents and adoptive parents meet before the child is placed, and then meet again during an adoption ceremony at the time of placement. After placement, it is unusual for birth parents and adoptive parents to maintain an ongoing relationship beyond occasional letters and pictures.

In May 1996, "Jessica" was one of thousands of young people who flocked to Atlanta to work at the Olympics. Having recently graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Jessica planned to enjoy the summer months before looking for a "real" job. In August, Jessica discovered she was pregnant. Raised in a Catholic household, Jessica was strongly pro-life and knew she would carry her child to term. The most difficult decision, she said, was telling her parents.

To ease the situation, Jessica researched her options after returning to her parents’ home in Charlotte, N.C. Catholic Charities was a natural place to turn. When she called Catholic Charities, she had already determined that she would place the baby for adoption. "I wanted to have something constructive and positive to tell my parents. I view the Church as a resource. The Church is there to help."

Jessica’s parents were both sad and supportive. "This [the unplanned pregnancy] was not the right thing to have happened, so my parents were very upset. But they knew we could get through this as a family and were supportive. At first, my father was concerned for the child when I said I wanted to place him for adoption. But, we pointed out that children who are placed for adoption are wanted desperately." "My father’s first concern was that my child was unplanned and therefore unwanted. But we discussed the fact that adopted children are very much wanted. So adoption was a comforting option for all of us."

When Jessica moved to Northern Virginia in October of 1996, she contacted Children’s Services in Burke. Pat Cunningham, a social worker with the agency, quickly became a key source of support, driving Jessica to medical appointments and spending many hours with her discussing options and planning for the baby. In addition, social workers at Catholic Charities Children’s Services assist birth parents in carefully considering every aspect of their situation: budgeting from financial resources, care providers, logistics and resources and support for single-parenting.

"The great thing about Catholic Charities is that they insist that you explore all your options. Someone like me might be very reluctant too afraid to consider parenting as a single mother. Talking with Pat forced me to really consider my options, and make a more complete decision. I did not feel forced into placing my child for adoption. In fact my parents had given me the option of moving home to Charlotte so they could help me raise my child. Because I had explored all of my options, I knew when I finally went through with the adoption placement, that I had made a good decision."

Throughout the process, Pat made sure that Jessica knew she was free to change her mind and encouraged her to talk with family and friends. She also began asking Jessica to articulate what family life she envisioned for her baby, first in general terms and then in more specific terms as the time drew near for the baby to be born. For Jessica, who was born of English parents and raised in Germany, appreciation for cultural background and education were important features in the family she would ultimately place her baby with. In addition, Jessica did not want her baby to be placed in daycare, and wanted her child to grow up among other children, either relatives or siblings.

After specifying the criteria for adoptive families, Catholic Charities gives birth parents three "Dear Birth Parent" letters that are written by prospective adoptive families. After reading the letters and learning more of the background, birth parents are asked to choose which family they want their child placed with. For Jessica, whose mother accompanied her when she chose the adoptive parents, the decision was both easy and difficult. "I had no trouble identifying the family my boy was placed with. My mother and I both felt the same way. At the same time, it was difficult to feel that I was depriving two other wonderful, loving families of a baby."

Since placing her child for adoption, Jessica has had the opportunity to support other women in similar situations. Single mothers, she said, are often very alone and frightened at the prospect of raising a child on their own. Many, she said, lack family support when they most need it. "I can’t understand how people you need and love the most could turn away from you at a time of such great need. I had defied my parents by behaving in a way that was opposed to how they raised me. Still, family supported me through it." At the same time, Jessica encourages women to turn to their families and to seek the kind of support she received from Catholic Charities. Most people, she said, do respond with love once the initial shock has worn off.

For Jessica, one of the many wonderful things that has come out of this adoption is her ongoing relationship with Jenny and Wally, the adoptive parents of her child. While she is aware that her situation is unusual, Jessica expresses gratitude for the positive outcome of what began as a crisis.

"Adoptive parents are always grateful to the birth parents. I am grateful to Jenny and Wally for opening their home and hearts, and helping me turn a crisis into something wonderful. It takes a lot of courage and generosity of heart to adopt. Apart from being grateful to them for those reasons, my family and I just enjoy knowing them and having them as friends. They are wonderful people to spend time with. These two people have come into our life and have become our friends. This is an added blessing I never would have imagined," Jessica said.

The friendship, Jessica said, is specific to open adoption. The gratitude on the part of both birth parents and adoptive parents, is not. Increasingly, open adoptions are being viewed in a positive light. People are discovering that it can work and can be to the benefit of the child. While open adoptions are on the rise, most adoptions are still closed. At Catholic Charities, the child is always the primary concern.

"Jenny" and "Wally" express the same gratitude as Jessica, both for Jessica and for Catholic Charities. After struggling with infertility, Jenny and Wally, who spent several years in Japan, decided to adopt a baby from China. They chose Catholic Charities to do a home study, and were surprised when, six months later, they received a call asking if they would consider adopting an infant baby.

"We were not in the pool of adoptive families," Jenny said. "I thought I was too old, but they had changed the age limits and Jessica had some criteria for adoptive parents that other parents in the pool of waiting families did not have."

Catholic Charities keeps a pool of about 15 prospective adoptive parents for domestic adoptions. This ensures that the pool is large enough to accommodate birth parents’ requirements, and small enough that prospective families are not kept waiting for too long.

Jenny and Wally were in shock when they received the call from Catholic Charities. "I think pregnancy is nine months long to keep heart attacks from taking place. I remember going to Babies-R-Us to get what we needed. We could have walked away with the store," Wally said.

In addition to being slightly older and having lived overseas, Jenny and Wally were willing to take a legal risk in adopting Jessica’s baby boy, Brentan. Jessica signed the adoption papers on the same day that Jenny and Wally received Brentan into their home.

In most cases, a baby that is being placed for adoption remains in foster care for a short time. This is designed to allow a birth parent time to reconsider placing her baby for adoption. The baby is placed with the 15-day reconsideration period is over. However, because Jessica wanted her child to have the benefit of being nursed and her family to have the benefit of knowing her baby, she kept Brentan until he was four weeks old. The 15-day reconsideration period began the same day Jenny and Wally took Brentan into their home.

"One of the great things about Catholic Charities is that they provide an incredible support system to birth parents and for the child. When they finally do a placement, everything is in order. In the end, this benefits the adoptive parents also," Wally said. Wally and Jenny, who belong to an informal adoption support group, said they know one couple whose adoption fell through twice.

"I think Catholic Charities does not have adoptions fall through because of how much they work with birth parents. They make sure adoption is the right thing to do," said Jenny, who now volunteers at the Center for Adoption Support and Education

Since adopting Brentan five years ago, Wally and Jenny have been blessed with another baby, Giselle, who was also adopted through Catholic Charities. "We are grateful for both of our children. We love them as our own, and don’t think of them differently because they are adopted."

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