Talking to Children about War

By Dr. Walt Larimore
Special to the Herald
(From the issue of 4/3/03)

My wife and I were dining with friends recently when their young son, a first-grader, looked up from dinner and asked, "Will they be dropping bombs on us tonight?"

Needless to say, there was a very uncomfortable silence for a moment. I waited to see how my friend would handle the situation.

He slowly put down his fork and looked at his son. "What do you mean, son?" His little boy answered, "I've been watching the war on TV. And, when Mommy and I were in the store, we saw soldiers." He was quiet for a moment. Clearly he thought the two were connected.

My friend smiled at his son. "The folks in uniform you saw are here in town all the time. They train at Fort Carson. Haven't you seen them before?" His son thought a moment, then smiled and exclaimed, "Yep!" Then, with a flourish, he turned his attention back to supper.

Concerns and fears are common in children — even more so in a time of war. So how do we calm their fears while dealing with our own? How do we talk to them about difficult issues? How do we maintain a sense of normalcy in a climate of uncertainty? Not an easy job, to say the least. But one that is very important.

Here are some tips I have given to parents of the children I have delivered and cared for during my many years in family practice. They can serve to open lines of frank discussion that make it easier to talk about war or other sensitive topics.

Conversations with children about war and conflict should be understandable, age-appropriate and reassuring. Dinnertime discussions should be based on the child's age and temperament.

For young children, the war may not even be an issue. You could choose to not even bring up the topic or ask simple questions like, "What have you heard about the war in Iraq?" or "What do you think about war?"

Realize that too much detail could be frightening. Experts recommend we "go easy on the details." Some children can handle complex or disturbing information at 7 or 9 years of age. Others are not ready until they are a bit older. Gear your discussions to your child's age and developmental level. You may need to repeat information several times for younger ones and some children may ask the same question over and over. It may be their way of asking for reassurance.

Remember that television images also can be highly traumatic. After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, some children who watched constant replays of the planes striking the World Trade Center thought each replay was live. Instead of two planes flying through the buildings, they thought there were many more. Parents should insist that the TV news stay off when very young children are around and limit their TV time and that of older children and teens.

School-age children are likely to have heard discussions at school, on the bus or on the schoolyard at recess. Your response should be to carefully listen to their concerns, ask clarifying questions and discuss the matter carefully.

For older children or teens, watching and examining news about the war is a great way to gauge their thoughts and reactions. This allows parents to learn how their children are processing the information and how they feel about it.

Reducing the TV time can be highly healthy for the entire family. When it is watched, preferably it is watched with parents who are ready to listen to their children and answer their questions. Studies show that parents who eat more than five meals a week with their children, at home, without the TV on, are much better off in many areas of their lives.

As much as possible, talk together as a family. You may notice if you have more than one child that each one will have different concerns. Not only is there nothing wrong with the children hearing one another's questions and fears, the entire family will learn from them.

If appropriate, bring God and Scriptures into the discussions. Many parents believe it is important to cultivate a child's faith and to plant seeds to help children learn to pray. Surveys indicate family prayer has become even more important in the past two years. Studies show that families that pray together feel a greater sense of peace and reduced levels of stress and anxiety. Certainly, our president's dependence upon daily prayer has been an example for millions.

I advise parents to be ready for questions when you least expect them. For example, my son Scott is most likely to talk while we are sitting side by side-riding in the car or sitting on a pier or bench. My daughter, Kate, on the other hand, is more likely to talk over dinner or tea. For both children, bedtime is an ideal time to talk to each other and to pray.

Questions, concerns and fears about war can be the beginning of an open and honest dialogue that will deepen as the years go on. Discussions between parents and children have the incredible potential to calm a child's fears; because when parents take the time to listen-really listen-to their children, the impact is immense.

Dr. Larimore is vice president of medical outreach at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colo., and the author of Ten Essentials of Highly Healthy People.

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