CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP IN AN OVERSEXED WORLD — A GUIDE FOR CATHOLICS, by Father Thomas Marrow. Our Sunday Visitor (2003). 320 pp.

Reviewed by Adrian Izard
Special to the Herald
(From the issue of 12/4/03)

The fact that there is a problem in creating stable marriages in our culture is not news; the distressing statistics are repeated everywhere and often. But little good advice is given on how to avoid the pitfalls. Little guidance is given on how to build a solid foundation for a strong relationship and on how to select a suitable mate.

Father Thomas Morrow is a priest of the Archdiocese of Washington and founder of two societies for single men and women with lots of experience in guiding young adults up and down the steep and sometimes treacherous slopes of courtship. Father Morrow gives us a succinct guide to chaste dating, with very practical hints and advice on how to get to know a prospective partner and on how to ultimately choose a mate. Along with a view to understand how sex fits into God’s greater plan.

He begins by explaining the meaning of love, or the four loves as explained by C.S. Lewis; agape, philia, storge, and eros. There is a very insightful elucidation on the showing of affection, on what is appropriate, where and at which stage of the relationship. Father Morrow then walks us through the various stages of dating, courtship, then engagement and marriage.

He strongly encourages the development of friendship at the beginning and gives helpful suggestion on how to spend time with someone in order to facilitate getting to know them. For example instead of a movie and dinner in a restaurant, volunteer together, or find a project important to you both to complete together. Because our society promotes the notion that a couple should become serious after just a few dates, there isn’t enough time to discern a person’s character, to determine if they would make a good spouse or parent. To spend time just talking with each other on key issues would save so much heartache in the future.

Three chapters are devoted to the importance of maintaining chastity during courtship. I commend Father Morrow for his frankness, yet gentleness, in dealing with such a touchy subject. As there are many who will question whether it is realistic to expect young people to practice the virtue of chastity, the proposal is made that it is not only possible to develop this virtue, but also to habitually live without struggle. A strong case for the challenge is given from scripture, the teachings of the Church, and from the observed sociological effects of fornication.

"The courtship of man and woman is meant to be a time to develop the habits of divine love, of friendship, and of affection in their relationship, so that in marriage when sexual intimacy comes into play, selfishness will not take over. Anything pleasurable can easily lead to selfishness, and this is certainly the case with sex. Christianity is designed to eliminate selfishness and promote true self-giving (divine) love." Since the Church believes and teaches that sex within marriage is sacred and beautiful, it would only stand to reason that the sexual act outside of this context would be tragic and distorted.

One of the most surprising and useful aspects of the book are the suggestions and strategies for effective courtship. For example, "When it comes time to ask a woman out, don’t be vague and say something like, ‘Would you like to go out with me Saturday night?’ Gentlemen, you do need a plan. When you ask a girl out it should be for something specific, such as dinner, or dancing, or a concert, or a basketball game." These are the very matter-of-fact and realistic details that would be especially appreciated by young adults.

"If you think we might find some remedies for the sadness we have wrought, by looking to Jesus Christ and his Church, read on. However, I must warn you, what’s written here is a bit radical, perhaps as radical as the Gospel itself. This book is for those who want to do things the way Jesus would do them, which is a truly radical thing."