Preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage

By Mary Frances McCarthy
Herald Staff Writer
(From the issue of 2/13/03)

He knelt down on one knee and proposed. She said, "yes." What now?

Many Catholics may have read in their parish bulletins "Call the parish office no less than six months in advance of the wedding," but why is this necessary?

The Arlington Diocese requires a six-month marriage preparation period for all couples before they can be married. Just as children prepare for their First Communion and youths spend months preparing for their confirmation, engaged couples must prepare for the sacrament of marriage.

"Just as it is a ‘big deal’ to the couple preparing for marriage, it's a ‘big-deal’ to the Church because, as our Holy Father tells us, each family is a ‘little church.’ Each couple needs this engagement period to assess if they are willing to give each to the other totally and unconditionally for the rest of their lives. It's a big decision that should not be taken lightly," said Bob Laird, director of the diocesan Office for Family Life.

The couple also must notify the parish so that they can receive the guidance of a priest or deacon in the planning process of not only their wedding day, but their lives together.

There are a few steps that the priest or deacon will guide them through in the beginning months. The first is to make sure that the bride or groom is a registered member of the parish.

In the initial interview with the priest or deacon, a wedding date will be set, and the couple will be asked to complete a Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study (FOCCUS) survey. The survey is not a test to see if the couple is compatible, or to tell the priest whether or not they should be married, but it serves to give the priest an idea of how prepared the couple is, and highlights any issues that may need to be discussed. The results of the FOCCUS survey will be discussed with the priest or deacon in subsequent meetings. All couples must meet with a priest or deacon at least four times during their engagement, excluding the wedding rehearsal.

At the first meeting, the priest or deacon should also give the couple information about Engaged Encounter or Conferences for the Engaged. Each couple is required to attend one of these events. At these events, married couples and priests give presentations and provide the opportunity for individuals to ask questions. Time is also available for couples to talk privately with one another.

Aside from satisfying a diocesan requirement, these workshops give couples the time away from everyday life to examine and discuss the many issues they will encounter in their life together: personal strengths and weaknesses, goals and attitudes toward family life, children, sexuality, finances, the Church and their place in society.

Something that is unique to the Arlington Diocese is that these workshops begin by examining the single person, continue with the family and end with the sacrament of marriage and the Church.

"Beginning with the concept that we are created in God’s image and likeness, the Holy Father notes that our own experiences, when properly understood, reveal something of God. If we are to know ourselves, as images of God, then we need to know who God is and how He acts," said Laird. He believes, if a couple can recognize God in themselves, and then in each other, it will be easy for them to fully love and respect one another.

Couples are urged, and may be required by their parish priest, to attend Natural Family Planning classes. These classes are offered throughout the diocese through the Couple to Couple League throughout the diocese. The courses consist of four two-hour classes held once a month and are led by married couples who have already realized the benefits of the method.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" (no. 1652). Natural Family Planning gives couples the tools to help them start a healthy family.

Once a couple has met with a priest or deacon, if necessary, it might be suggested that they seek additional counseling to "assume the serious responsibilities of a Christian marriage."

Once the wedding date has been set, the priest or deacon will assist the couple in planning the liturgy, readings and music for the wedding ceremony.

Although there are many other arrangements to be made for a wedding, these preparations should come first.

Laird said, "I read an article in a Christian magazine several years ago. There was a line which said that ‘Marriage is an institution created by God and works best when done His way.’ The beauty of the Catholic Church is that we have been passed the ‘way of marriage.’"

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