project rachel

Woman Finds Healing through Project Rachel

By Henrietta Gomes
HERALD Staff Writer
(From the Issue of 1/18/07)

Abortion had been legal for less than a decade when Monica found herself pregnant and alone as a young college freshman. “My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me or the baby,” said the woman, whose last name has not been disclosed for privacy.
A friend, “who turned out not be a friend at all,” she noted, was the impetus behind the decision for an abortion. After she coaxed Monica to have an abortion, she called the clinic, made all the arrangements, and made sure she went through with the procedure. “She told me exactly what they were going to ask me and how I should answer,” said Monica, recounting her naiveté.
“When I walked to the abortion clinic it was packed,” said Monica. The sight of so many young women, some with parents, momentarily eased her mind, but as a life-long Catholic, she knew something was not right. “Even when I did want to leave, fear consumed me. I didn’t know what else to do,” she said.
As she lay on a bed in the abortion clinic, Monica heard an internal voice saying, “no mommy no.” After the procedure, she stared into the vacant eyes of the nurse, who assisted. “It’ll be fine,” were the only words the woman could muster up. Monica remembered thinking, “How could this possibly be fine?” The little voice she heard that day never left her.
Emotions of shock, guilt and shame pervaded her life. “The depths of my soul fell into darkness,” she said. Determined to block out all the emotions, Monica began to drink heavily and get involved in abusive relationships. “There was no self-worth left,” she said.
Thoughts of suicide ran rampant through her mind for the next two years. Although Monica made every effort to rid herself of the memory of the abortion, it remained and infused every aspect of her life. Enslaved by the memory, she began having nightmares with baby voices; and whenever she washed her hands, she imagined the water turning into blood.
Suicide was no longer an option for Monica, when at 21 she was pregnant again. This time she made a concerted effort to save the life inside of her. Resolute to do things differently, she turned to her family. Their only encouragement, however, was to tell her not to visit during her pregnancy, fearful someone may learn of her situation. Nevertheless, their lack of support did not deter Monica from doing the right thing.
Monica sought help from Catholic Charities, which assisted her in making the best decision. Hoping for a mother and a father for her child, Monica opted for adoption. After giving birth to her baby girl, Monica spent some time with her. The final time she held the newborn in her arms, she prayed the rosary. At the end of her prayers, Monica looked up at a crucifix in the room. At that moment, she said, “I knew she didn’t belong to me, but to God. I kissed her good bye, and gave her back to God.”
Monica thought the healing process had begun with her daughter’s adoption. She said, “Deep in my heart I thought a sacrifice of one child would heal the loss of my child lost through abortion.” She realized, however, that “no child can replace the loss of another.”

Seeking healing and retribution, Monica began doing volunteer work at pregnancy centers and helping unwed mothers. Not long after, Monica got married and had two sons, but her dark secret remained buried and hidden from everyone, including her husband. Her two healthy children reminded her of the child that was not given the same opportunity of life.
It was 15 years after the abortion when Monica was at a Catholic bookstore staring at a brochure for Project Rachel, a national post-abortion healing ministry. A nun at the cash register noticed the shock on her face, and gently encouraged Monica to take one. Ashamed the nun would know her secret, Monica declined the offer. It was not for another two months before she returned to the bookstore for the brochure.
“Project Rachel allowed me to really open up and share my grief,” said Monica of her counseling sessions with the priests at Project Rachel in the Arlington Diocese. The ministry works as a help-line, offering support to callers and making referrals to counselors and priests. Soon after, Monica shared her longtime secret with her husband, who offered his support. She named her aborted baby, Michael, after the archangel.
The healing continued through Rachel’s Vineyard, another post abortion ministry, which gives retreats, often offered through Project Rachel. “It was a cleansing of my wounds,” said Monica, now a mother of five. “It was life changing. I felt different because I couldn’t feel the darkness anymore,” she said, continuing, “It gave me a new light within myself.”
The counseling and retreats drew her closer to her faith. “I started to understand that God could give me grace and mercy. He gave me the gift of new life because He loves me,” she said. Monica began to experience a “higher level of joy and love.” It is through that joy and love for God and her aborted son that she shares her story, she said. “I want people to know the truth of abortion. I don’t want any woman to go through what I went through.”
Project Rachel and Rachel’s Vineyard have allowed Monica to “see miracles of women being transformed.” There is a newfound “freedom from darkness, and we can love ourselves again.” Now, after years of the healing process, Monica said, “my child lives within me. He gives me strength to share my story.”
Praising the work of the post-abortion ministries, she said, “Project Rachel is something that comes and opens your wound and cleans it out. Rachel’s Vineyard is God’s medicine to heal that wound.” After a short pause, she said softly, “but abortion takes a lifetime to heal.”
For more information about Project Rachel call: 888-456-HOPE or log on to: http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/offices/rachel/index.html. For information about Rachel’s Vineyard log on to: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org.