Parents Told to Give Teens Space,
Teens Told Parents Are Not the Enemy

By Gretchen R. Crowe
HERALD Staff Writer
(From the Issue of 2/15/07)

Parents remembered what it was like to be 14 and teenagers got a glimpse of what their futures hold last Saturday at the Got Teens? Parent-Teen Conference held at Paul VI Catholic High School in Fairfax.
The conference, sponsored by the diocesan Offices of Youth Ministry, Catholic Schools and Family Life, accommodated 120 parents (40 Hispanic), 100 teens and 60 younger children. Parents from around the diocese learned the importance of equipping their teens for adulthood, and compared notes about their teens’ responsibilities, or lack of, at home. David Olshine, director of the youth ministry program at Columbia International University’s Bible College Division, youth pastor and author, spoke to parents about the skills that teenagers need to be developing, including responsibility, communication and decision-making.
“One of the challenges we have is making our kids grow in these three areas,” Olshine said. “They learn from our modeling. You are the number one most influential person in their lives.”
Teens are developing personal values and beliefs, he said.
“If your kids have questions and doubts — good. They’re thinking,” he said. “Preach less, model more. Walk it more, talk it less. Remember, they learn by doing.”
Lilian “Yiyi” Madan, a parishioner from St. Leo the Great Parish in Fairfax, and Susan Mannion, a parishioner from St. Mary of Sorrows Parish in Fairfax, spoke to Hispanic parents and English-speaking parents, respectively. Madan focused on the challenges of raising Hispanic teenagers, while Mannion promoted “Building Strong Catholic Families,” a separate conference being offered this spring.
Parents and teenagers were separated for much of the day, coming together for lunch and for a combined program in the afternoon. Elena Quartuccio and Peg Telesca from St. Mary of Sorrows Parish in Fairfax led a group of volunteers in keeping the younger children entertained while their parents and older siblings attended the programs. Kevin Bohli, director of the Office of Youth Ministry, said providing this childcare service was a vital part of allowing parents the freedom to participate in the conference.
Lisa and David Weiner, parishioners from St. Michael Church in Annandale, said that their oldest child is 13, and they came to the conference to “try to understand her.”
“We’re trying to get it right, or at least understand it, for the first because we have three,” Lisa said. It was comforting to learn that they were doing some things right that they thought might have been wrong, she added.
“They’ve made some of our pluses and minuses really stand out in parenting skills,” said M.J. Duet, a parishioner at Holy Spirit Church in Annandale, who attended with her husband, Louis. Their 14-year-old son did not attend the conference due to a conflict.
“They’re pointing out how kids think and how we have to respect that,” Louis said. “Even if we don’t necessarily like that or agree,” M.J. added. “We need to be a little less smothering. We need to let him grow.”
Louis said he would recommend the conference to parents of all teens, and M.J. said that, if the participants are honest, they will walk away having learned something.
Diane Kuepper, parishioner from St. Louis Church in Alexandria, said that the conference was a great “refresher and reminder” even on some points that might already have been known. She attended with her husband, Andrew, and their two children, Sarah and Elizabeth.
It’s a “gentle reminder that we as parents need to give them a little space,” Andrew said.
Elizabeth said the teens had been talking about good communication skills with their parents. Sarah said the younger kids were breaking down truths and myths about parents.
The conference helped parents remember “in an honest way what it’s like to go through adolescence,” Diane said. “I think for most parents in the room it’s probably been a good couple of decades.”
Kenny, Lisa, Kara and Tessa Anthony-Price, parishioners at Sacred Heart Parish in Winchester, also made the conference a family affair.
“Our challenge as parents is how to cope with the new challenges of a teenager in the context of a Catholic home,” Lisa said. “She has her own opinions — I hate that.”
“I’m growing up, and that’s why,” said Kara, 13.
Mother and daughter said their opinions differed on what types of clothes Kara should be wearing, how she’s spending her time, and what kinds of friends and grades are acceptable.
Lisa and Kenny said they had forgotten what is was like to be a teenager and Lisa vowed to listen more and preach less.
“I love to preach,” she said, “and it’s not working. They’re looking more at what we do now than what we say.”
Bohli said that the conference helped offer support and encouragement to parents.
“Often they just need a reminder that they are doing a great job with the very difficult task of raising teens in our culture today,” he said. “It helps when they see that they are not alone in the challenges they face.”
While parents were enthusiastic about the conference, some of the teens were less so.
“I could be snowboarding right now — let’s just put it that way,” said one of the teens.
All of the leaders acknowledged that this type of attitude was expected and normal.
“This may be no different than the attitude the parents face every day of the week,” Bohli said. “It makes our job more difficult at the event, but I believe our message to the teens can penetrate even the toughest shell.”
Teens were told that they can’t change their parents, all you can do is change yourself, and “by changing yourself you are going to make your family life a lot better,” said Bohli. “Parents are not your enemies, they’re your allies.”
Over the Top Ministries’ Justin Russell and Anne-Marie Cribbin gave teens time to reflect and pray through praise and worship music after a talk on being a radical Catholic.
Father Keith O’Hare, parochial vicar at Queen of Apostles Church in Alexandria, focused on the sacrament of confession and forgiveness.
“God sees you in a merciful, tender and forgiving way,” he said, emphasizing the importance of keeping peace with God, with yourself and with others. “In your life, there’s nothing like peace — the peace that God can give.”
He helped identify the qualities of “real” friends versus superficial ones. Real friends, he said, listen to you, have things in common with you and make sacrifices for you.
“Get closer to the friends who are real, and further, if not completely away from, the friends who are fake,” he said. “Real friends often last forever.”
The conference ended with Mass celebrated by Arlington Bishop Paul S. Loverde.
The bishop encouraged families to listen to what the Lord is telling them and to talk post-Mass about how the Scriptures and the homily influenced their lives.
“I am hopeful with you that today has made a difference,” he said. “It is not easy to live within family. I hope that today has helped … to move together better in your family relationship because the family is the domestic Church.”

Gretchen R. Crowe can be reached at gcrowe@catholicherald.com.

Copyright ©2007 Arlington Catholic Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.