Singles: To Search or Not to Search?

By Mary Beth Bonacci
Herald Columnist
(From the issue of 7/1/04)

I finished the first session of my online class for single adults a few weeks ago. I have to say it was one of the most fun "jobs" I’ve ever had. It turned out to be a sort of super-charged discussion forum for single Catholics — discussing some of the issues that no one had ever discussed with us before. Honestly, I would have been inclined to chime in regularly even if it wasn’t my "job."

I tried to keep the discussion moving in an orderly fashion, sticking with a single topic every week. But one subject kept popping up over and over, regardless of what we were supposed to be discussing. It was about finding a spouse. How should we go about it? Should we "go about it," or should we just go about our business and wait for God to drop the right person into our lives?

It’s a good question — one I’ve struggled with at times myself. How do we order our lives as single people? Do we focus on being "out there"— going to places and doing things where we will meet the highest percentage of eligible singles? Or do we go about our business, doing what God calls us to do, and wait on Him to bring that person into our lives in His time.

My original thinking on the subject, which still informs part of my thinking, was that we wouldn’t take the "sit back and let God do all the work" approach in anything else in our lives. If you needed a job, you wouldn’t just pray to God to drop that perfect job into your lap while you sat at home watching "Jerry Springer." You’d pray, but you’d also be out there pounding the pavement.

So my first response to my class was that we should "act as if everything depended on us, and pray as if everything depended on God."

Then I consulted my well-worn notes from Msgr. Albacete’s amazing "Theology of the Body" class and something jumped out at me. Adam experienced "original solitude" in the Garden. He realized he was different from the rest of creation. He longed for a partner. And yet, there was nothing he could do to hasten her arrival.

Adam "waited for the gift." Eve’s presence in Adam’s life was a gift from God. Adam couldn’t create her. He couldn’t make her appear. She showed up in God’s time, not Adam’s.

There is a message in this for those of us who "wait" on a spouse. I firmly believe that every happy marriage is a gift from God. I look at some of my friends’ "love stories" and realize that no human person could ever deliberately orchestrate the conditions that brought them together. It had to be the hand of God.

Some of these friends were deliberately placing themselves in situations where they would meet good "candidates." Others weren’t. But they all had one thing in common. They were all praying for God’s guidance in choosing a spouse. They had all, in some way, handed themselves over to His will.

I’ve also seen people who didn’t pray for God’s guidance in selecting a spouse. They decided they wanted to get married and went out on their own. Some even set deadlines, marrying whomever was lurking about as the deadline approached. God’s plan never entered into the picture.

No marriage is perfect. Even the people who turned their decision over to God have struggles. But there’s a different quality to those marriages — a "rightness" that transcends the difficulties. Even a difficult marriage can be a gift from God. But I would imagine that involving Him in the decision up front would be awfully comforting later on — knowing that He foresaw those difficulties and still chose this person and this marriage.

There’s nothing wrong with singles placing themselves in a "target-rich environment," as Dr. Phil would say. It’s good to get involved in activities that bring us in contact with other singles. I’m a huge fan of Catholic online dating services. Remember that all of that is only about placing ourselves in a context where God may or may not act. In the end, only His action will bring the gift of the right partner.

What about those of us who have prayed and still haven’t received that gift? Does He somehow love us less? Big question. I think we should save it for next time.

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