'Surprised by Joy' on Valentine's Day

By Mary Beth Bonacci
Herald Columnist
(From the issue of 2/17/05)

I used to think it was only single people who hated Valentine’s Day. Of course, it goes without saying that, in our Noah’s Ark world, the uncoupled among us would feel a little left out on the holiday that celebrates romantic love. On that evening, single people usually sit home with their Ben & Jerry’s, thinking about all of those happy couples out there, and the wonderful, romantic time they’re having.

But, more and more, I’m talking to married people who tell me they dread Valentine’s Day. My happily married sister, for instance, detests the day. She says it isn’t because it’s about love, which she’s all in favor of, but because of the expectations it generates. Like New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be special. It has to be good.

I’ve been on both sides of this equation. Well, I’ve never been married, of course. But I’ve spent Valentine’s Day as part of a "couple," and I’ve spent it solo. I have to tell you — from my recollections, I don’t think Valentine’s Day was more enjoyable one way or the other. I remember that, in the "coupled" years, the day offered a whole lot of fuel for arguments. Where are we going to go? Did you make reservations? You’re wearing that?

Who can blame people for getting stressed out? After all, Valentine’s Day isn’t just a day any more. It’s an entire season. It starts right after the New Year, when the greeting card and jewelry industries begin their annual push. Then the entire media jumps in on the act. Everything is about "love" — how to get it, how to keep it, how to act while you’re in it. Men learn that, if they don’t go to Jared, they’re likely to wind up wearing their cocktails instead of drinking them. Women learn that lingerie is the way to a man’s heart — and that the Victoria’s Secret models have set an impossibly high bar for the way we’re supposed to look in that lingerie.

The problem, as I see it, is that Valentine’s Day doesn’t celebrate love as a decision or a way of living. Valentine’s Day celebrates the feeling of being in love. Now, anyone who has ever been in love can attest to the fact that the feeling isn’t constant. It comes and goes. It has to come and go. If it didn’t, no one would live long enough to see the birth of their children. That level of emotional intensity just cannot be sustained indefinitely. The heart couldn’t take it.

Heaven forbid if you’re not both in one of those high "feelings" phases on Valentine’s Day. Of course you still love each other and you’re still committed to each other. But that isn’t enough. You’re relationship isn’t really acceptable unless you’re experiencing some kind of constant emotional high. You need to do something to rekindle those feelings — now. They need to show up that evening. Maybe the restaurant will do it, or the jewelry, or the lingerie.

Of course, if your relationship happens to be on an "up" cycle on Feb. 14, you’re in luck. The stars are all aligned, and you can both go out and wallow in your mutual smitten-ness. Even here there is danger. If we make such a big deal about our feelings, will they stick around? Will tonight be the night they begin to fade into the background again? Will the high expectations of the evening cause them to slip back?

The problem, either way, is that feelings don’t generally respond well to command performances. They show up on their own timetable, not ours. C.S. Lewis wrote at length about being "surprised by joy." He said that true joy always arrives when it is least expected — when our attention is focused completely outside of ourselves. And often, once we realize it is there, we begin to examine it — to try to enhance or prolong it. And then we lose it. We only experience that joy when we’re totally absorbed by that which gives us joy.

But Valentine’s Day tends to focus us inward, on our own feelings. That is the antithesis of true love, which is self-forgetful and focused entirely on the goodness, beauty and welfare of the other. We try to use restaurants, candlelight and romantic atmosphere to manufacture those feelings, but it doesn’t work. We feel inadequate because our relationships just don’t measure up.

What’s the solution? For coupled and uncoupled, it’s the same. Forget about yourself. Forget about your feelings. Make Feb. 14 the day when you focus entirely on the people you love. Spouse, friends, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews — let them know you love them. Tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life. Celebrate them. Thank God for them. Think of ways you can show your appreciation for the gift of their presence in your life.

Maybe, just maybe, when you least expect it, you too will be "surprised by joy."

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