Children Need the Love of an Adult

By Mary Beth Bonacci
Herald Columnist
(From the issue of 11/3/05)

I know a lot of people who would like to be parents — but aren’t. Some are single. Others are married but having difficulty conceiving. Still others married later in life and realize that, statistically, the odds of their conceiving naturally are slim to none.

An entire industry has grown up around helping these people give birth to children. Pharmaceutical companies develop drugs that promote ovulation. Fertility clinics perform in vitro fertilizations at thousands of dollars per procedure. Sperm banks make it possible for single women to give birth, courtesy of anonymous donor "fathers."

None of this is surprising. The desire to procreate — to bring our own offspring into the world — is very strong. God made us that way. Face it — if we humans didn’t have a strong desire see our own children, how many people would actually sign up for all of the expense and sleepless nights and dirty diapers? God knew we needed a little push.

But what do we do when we are unable to fulfill that desire? There is, of course, nothing wrong with helping nature along (ovulation enhancement, reparative surgery, etc.) There is something wrong with overriding nature by using in vitro, sperm banks and the like. But that’s the subject of another column.

The point of this column is that there is another way.

Over the past few months, I have become involved with a charity here in Denver — Mount St. Vincent’s Home for Children. I have discovered something that I always knew, but never really saw with my own eyes.

There are a lot of children already in this world who desperately need us.

Mount St. Vincent’s has 36 beds for children whose parents have lost their parental rights. Those beds are always full and those are just the "highest need" children. Others are out in the foster care system, awaiting permanent adoption. Still others, legally tied to their absent "parents," bounce in and out of foster homes.

Hmmm. What have we here? Adults with a lot of love to give a child, but no actual child and children who desperately need the love of a caring adult.

Does anyone else see the potential in this?

I know this is not the dream. We all picture ourselves in some sort of "Madonna and Child" setting, cuddling a perfect little infant whose eyes look exactly like ours. Someone else’s child — perhaps even a child someone else has damaged — just doesn’t fit into the picture. But maybe God has a different picture in mind.

This is not about "substitution." The inability to give birth to one’s own child is a loss, and it’s a loss which needs to be grieved. We don’t invite another child into our lives to step into a role, like some kind of soap opera understudy. ("The role of Mackenzie Browning will now be played by …") We bring children into our lives because of what we have to give to them. And we have so much to give.

The first level of involvement at Mount St. Vincent’s is called "visiting friend." And that’s exactly what it is — visiting a child on a regular basis, becoming a friend who is interested in their lives. Not too tough, right? But it makes such a huge difference in the lives of these children. Remember, these are kids who get up and go to school every morning just like other kids. But when something special is happening at their school, they have no one to witness it. No one to come to their soccer games, or their choir concerts, or their school plays. Imagine the change in that child’s life when he or she can scan the crowd looking for a familiar face — your face.

There are deeper levels of involvement, of course, culminating with adoption. Not everyone is called to adopt an older child. I do believe God has a special place in heaven for those who do. These are children who are considered "hard to place" for a variety of reasons. Younger couples looking to adopt are more likely to choose healthy newborn babies. Older kids have baggage. They have often lived traumatic lives. They require more help, more attention.

But they are still children — sweet little images of God who want nothing more than stability and the love of a caring parent.

These children, I believe, present an amazing opportunity for single adults and older, childless couples to make a big difference in the world. We have the resources. We have the parental instincts. We have the love.

If the information you have just read has touched you in any way, please pray about it. Ask God what He is calling you to do. Ask Him to lead you. And then start learning about the children in your area. Contact your local Catholic Charities office. Find out what you can do to help. You’ll be glad you did.

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