TV: Pointing Out Problems with Parents

By Mary Beth Bonacci
^{HERaLD Columnist}

I have developed yet another complaint about "Must-See TV." This time, however, my objection has nothing to do with gratuitous extramarital sex, shallow characters or rampant materialism (although I'm still opposed to all three).

It's parents.

It started while I was watching a Mad about You rerun. I love that show -- partly, I suppose, because the main characters are married, and thus the sex-outside-marriage factor is much less prevalent. At any rate, in this particular episode, Jamie's parents were visiting. The entire show was about how unbearably difficult her parents were, and what torture it was to spend an entire day with them. It was a funny show -- these people were truly obnoxious, and it was easy to sympathize with Paul and Jamie.

But it got me thinking about the parents on all of the other shows. On Seinfeld, George lives for the day his (truly bizarre) parents finally move to Florida and away from him, while Jerry's (merely eccentric) parents meddle in his life. On Friends, Monica's mother insults her while Rachel's parents bicker. The litany of bad parents continues on through literally every show.

What's going on here? Watching prime-time TV, you would think that every person who had children between 1960 and 1980 is a certifiable lunatic.

I understand, of course, that these are just TV characters and that flaws and idiocyncracies are magnified for entertainment. I also understand that all humor in some way reflects reality, and that these shows are looking at the tensions that inevitably develop between parents and their grown offspring as they leave the nest.

But do they all have to be so weird?

Perhaps I have a certain bias here, because I happen to have really great parents. I also happen to have a really great relationship with them. When it comes to spending time with them, my only problem is that I don't get enough of it. Sure there were conflicts when I was a teenager, and when I first left the nest. But my parents were good about letting go, and I was good about striving to live the values they had instilled in me, so everything turned out fine.

And thus, I believe, we find the crux of the problem. a good relationship between parents and their adult children requires two things: First, parents need to let go. There needs to be a distinct separation where the relationship changes from a parent/child to a parent/adult. The parents are no longer in charge. They can no longer tell their sons and daughters how to live or what to do. For mothers, in particular, this can be hard. They find their identity in motherhood for so many years, and when a child (especially the last child) leaves, there can be an enormous void in their lives. Some mothers try to avoid the void by refusing to let go. They demand that their adult children spend time with them. They attempt to control their offsprings' lives -- what career they choose, where they live, how they live. They use guilt (and mothers can be great at guilt) to control their children, and to prevent that necessary break from happening. This may seem like love, but it's not. It's selfishness. It's trying to avoid personal pain at someone else's expense -- in this case, their own children.

Second, adult children need to live responsibly. If they have been raised with good values, they need to live those values. Parents are a lot less likely to be upset with their adult children if their adult children are living loving, Christian lives and taking care of themselves and of others around them.

If one of these two factors is missing, there will be tension between parents and adult children. Of course, parents will always have concerns and opinions about their adult childrens' lives, and a loving son or daughter will listen carefully to what their parents are saying. Still, some adult children go to on living irresponsible or immoral lives. Likewise some parents are screwed up, live selfish lives or don't follow Christ. That kind of dynamic -- either way -- is bound to lead to tension between parents and their adult children.

But I honestly believe that there are a lot more good, healthy parents out there than Must-See TV would have us believe. I love spending time with my parents. I love spending time with my friends' parents. (Hey Bob and Dot -- I miss you!!) I believe that particular generation produced a lot of very stellar people -- and very stellar parents.

George Costanza and I have one thing in common. He wants his parents to retire to a warmer climate -- Florida. I want my parents to retire to a warmer climate -- Arizona. But there's one big difference.

I live in Arizona.

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