Connected Parenting

By Elizabeth Foss
HERALD Columnist
(From the issue of 7/4/02)

I received an e-mail several weeks ago asking the following question:

So that I don't bog you down with all my questions, is there a book that has greatly helped you develop your gentle-sounding, parent intensive approach? We feel that the relationship with our oldest two (almost 11 and 8) is deteriorating, and we want to do something about it. We definitely don't see "pure motives" or the guidance of the Holy Spirit there very often.

I answered: I think that what you want is attachment parenting for big kids. We are so attached to our babies. It’s simple — when we answer their wants, we meet their needs. For those who breastfeed, it’s even simpler. When they are little, we can be guided books like The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and the wealth of material written by Dr. William Sears. As they get older, it’s more complicated. There are few published resources for attachment parenting an older child. You want to stay connected to your child because it's more effective to guide and to inspire when we are connected.

Now the good news: Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has written a book entitled Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. The strategies Kurcinka describes enable a parent to stay close to the growing child, understand the emotions behind misbehavior, and coach the child in order to quickly stop the behavior or to prevent it altogether. Much of the book is devoted to helping parents understand that often it is the adult’s emotions and the adult’s behaviors that need work. We can’t take the speck out of our children’s eyes until we do something about the beam in ours.

I have found it to be the parenting book that I can most wholeheartedly recommend. It's completely secular but I’ve given a great deal of thought to how these methods, executed with faith and prayer, help us to live our vocation.

Connected parenting is evangelistic in the truest sense of the word. If we treat our children with the respect they deserve because they are created in the image and likeness of God and if we meet them with the gentle love of the Blessed Mother, we reach them for Christ. Rarely does the preacher shouting gloom and doom and condemnation win hearts for Christ. Nor does the ranting and raving parent. We don’t win their hearts by demanding good behavior. We win their hearts by modeling an entire Christian lifestyle. We must be genuine. We win their hearts when we express the joy of our salvation. In this environment, the Holy Spirit wins their souls.

We have so very many ready opportunities to offer a cup of water to the least of these! How many opportunities we have daily to let the little children come to Him! Think of the ways a connected parent lives out the corporal works of mercy. We offer food, drink, shelter, clothing and, often, both kinds of nursing. Sometimes, sadly, we even mourn for the dead. As they get older, the physical needs recede, but the emotional needs increase. Our focus shifts from the corporal works to the spiritual works. You have an 11-year-old: I don’t have to tell you how often you are called to admonish the sinner, instruct the ignorant (who happens to think you are ignorant); counsel the doubtful; comfort the sorrowful; bear wrongs patiently; forgive all injuries; and pray incessantly. Done prayerfully and with grace, connected parenting is truly a living spirituality!

This style of parenting drives us to our knees and so brings us closer to heaven. It forces us to die to self again and again to meet the needs of God's little creatures. It's immediately easier to shout and/or hit and abuse our authority to put out the fires of our day. We can stop the behavior through fear and punishment. But that doesn't really require any heroic, saintly effort on our part, does it? Ultimately, it destroys the relationship with the child and it becomes for us the occasion of sin.

I believe that our children are God's greatest plan for bringing us to heaven. In order to parent effectively, we have to grow. We have to change and mature. We have to meet children where they are and lead them somewhere better. We can't do that without relying heavily on God's grace and the intercession of the saints. We can’t do that without frequent confession, communion, and spiritual direction. We can't do that without working and praying constantly to become spiritually mature ourselves. This is more than a hard job. It is a calling. It is a ministry. It is our path to sanctification.

It is important to remember is that we must look ahead. What kind of relationship do we want with our teenagers and grown children? If we parent by criticism and force now, why in the world would they seek our comfort and counsel later? Why would they come home at all?

Kurcinka doesn't say all of that of course. She focuses on the method's effectiveness. But the method is ultimately effective because it speaks to the heart and soul of the child.

Unfortunately, the stresses that come with parenting this way can make us so tired and irritable and frustrated that we react to our children rather than nurture them. We start out as really great parents and then we lose steam. Frankly, this is hard work in the beginning and it just gets harder. Like pilgrims on a journey, we need to support each other and pray for each other. Mostly, we need to remind each other of the vision with which we began. We need to be inspired again and again. For this kind of parenting, for this spirituality, we need to look to the Holy Family as a model of virtue and we need to remember that as parents we are far from grown up, finished products. Until we attain the holiness of Mary and Joseph (not in this life) we continually look heavenward for guidance and for strength and we persevere with faith and prayer.

Foss is a freelance writer from Northern Virginia.

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