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Solace for the grieving

Zoey Dimauro | Catholic Herald

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When her husband unexpectedly died of a stroke, Jane White
turned to her parish bereavement group for support. “It
helped me a lot to go that first time, to cry openly and have
people understand why I was crying,” she said.

The bereavement group, from St. Timothy Church in Chantilly,
meditated on the seven sorrows of Mary and prayed through the
Scriptures. Members helped each other solve practical
problems, like how to do things their deceased loved ones
usually had done for them. After two years, White felt she
was able to move on.

“This is God’s plan for me,” said White, who stays busy as a
clinical instructor. “I miss him every day, but I do the best
I can.”

All Catholics are called through the spiritual works of mercy
to comfort the afflicted or sorrowful, but some parishes have
specific ministries to ensure no one falls through the
cracks. Colleen Dundon used her experience as a cancer nurse
to start the bereavement group at St. Timothy, now in its
10th year. Around 15 people come per meeting from St. Timothy
and nearby parishes.

St. John Neumann Church in Reston sends a card to the family
of every parishioner whose funeral is there, and then sends
another card on the first anniversary. Volunteers also write
cards to the homebound, or those who are ill. On Easter, they
deliver lilies to nursing homes, and in the fall the young
adult group decorates pumpkins for them.

One woman volunteered after seeing how much joy her aged
parents received from getting the cards, said Jo-Ann Duggan,
director of outreach for St. John Neumann. “I think (the
parishioners) feel like they are less alone, knowing their
parish is thinking of them,” said Duggan. “It’s so important
to let people know that we’re praying for them.”

Though experiencing pain or grief is undeniably hard, Dundon
believes that through suffering comes redemptive
transformation. “Our faith is the most important part of the
whole journey. It’s our forever friend,” she said.

The St. Timothy ministry is dedicated to both Our Lady of
Sorrows and Our Lady of Hope, said Dundon. “(Mary) is truly
our model for growing through the bereavement process. As
much as grief is one side of death, hope is the other side.”

Just as prayer provides solace, the members also find
encouragement from one another. “It’s amazing to see the
validation that they get through each other in a comfortable
setting where they can share and not be judged. The peer
network gives them a chance to share their problems and their
worries. Through the prayers we bring them to a place of
healing, and hopefully they feel hope again,” said Dundon.

“It’s important they know they don’t have to walk this path
alone,” she said. “No matter where you go, you become symbols
of hope for each other and that what it’s all about: Christ
in each of us.”

TIPS FOR COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED

-Ask how someone is doing, and truly be ready for their
answer,
said Dundon. “Asking a question that would (allow
for) a short answer is a safe way for people to do it,” she
said. Be prepared to hear what they have to say.

-Use empathetic statements and concrete actions.
“Acknowledge what the person has been through,” said Dundon.
“Say, ‘I’m here for you, you’ve been through a lot this
year.”

Everyone appreciates a well-meaning statement of support, but
actions speak volumes, said Dundon. “Tell them, ‘I plan to
make dinner for you next week,’ instead of, ‘Can I make
dinner for you?’ Don’t say, ‘I’m praying for you.’ Rather,
say, ‘I said a rosary and offered a Mass for you.’ ”

-Invite them out to social gatherings. “It’s nice to
get together, to let people know that life does go on,” said
Dundon.

White encourages her grieving friends to join a support
group, like the one at St. Timothy, and to journal, which she
said greatly helped her relieve her sadness.

-Don’t assume that the loss of an elderly person will be
easier for them to accept.
“No matter the age, that
person had a place in your heart. The more you loved that
person, the deeper the hurt,” said Dundon.

-Get your parish involved. Start or join a card
ministry, a bereavement group, the Arimatheans (men and women
who serve as ushers, lectors and extraordinary ministers of
holy Communion at funerals), or another group that serves the
grieving. If there’s not one already, ask your pastor to host
a memorial service for parishioners who have died.

Di Mauro can be reached at [email protected] or on
Twitter @zoeydimauro.

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