Assembling your Christmas™

Congratulations on your purchase of Christmas™! Your satisfaction with this Christmas™ is guaranteed if you follow the assembly guidelines specified here.

TOOLS YOU WILL NEED: 1) Detachment, 2) Silence, 3) Quality Time (QT) with Spouse and/or Family.

PARTS LIST: 1) Gift List, 2) Luke (Gospel of), 3) Nativity Sticker, 4) Christmas™ Allen wrench. NOTE: Stainless Steel AdventBase™ (not included) is required for assembly of your Christmas™. CAUTION: ASSEMBLY OF CHRISTMAS™ WITHOUT ADVENTBASE™ WILL RESULT IN INSTABILITY OF YOUR CHRISTMAS™ AND POTENTIAL INJURY.

Step 1: Unpack your Christmas™, arranging all parts on horizontal surface. Caution: Contents may have shifted during shipping. Locate Gift List (1). On one side of Gift List (1), write all stated and unstated wishes of entire family, including self. On reverse of Gift List, write all Christmas gifts given and received in prior Christmas. 

Step 2: Using Christmas™ Allen wrench (4), insert Detachment into corner tabs of Gift List. In counter-clockwise motion, slowly loosen Gift List screws until fizz is heard, indicating decompression.  NOTE: HANDLE GIFT LIST WITH CARE. Some Gift Lists may be highly pressurized; loosening of screws may result in release of acidic compound, causing skin irritations and at times, severe burns. Repeat Step 2 until Gift List no longer creates fizzing sound.   

STOP: CONTINUED ASSEMBLY OF CHRISTMAS™ WHILE GIFT LIST IS STILL FULMINATING WILL RESULT IN MALFUNCTION OF YOUR CHRISTMAS™.

Step 3: Locate Luke (2) and place on table, lap, or other horizontal surface. Unfasten tabs, and open. Grip Silence in both hands and in slow left-to-right motion, remove contents of Luke in small portions. Apply portions in even measure throughout home and around AdventBase™. Repeat Step 3 daily in 10-20 minute increments until Dec. 25. NOTE: Daily contact with Luke may result in altered psychological states for some users.      

WARNING: FAILURE TO HANDLE LUKE WITH SILENCE WILL RESULT IN FAULTY ASSEMBLY OF YOUR CHRISTMAS™.

Step 4: Locate Nativity Sticker (3) and affix to wall in central gathering place of family, within 5 feet of AdventBase™. Next, in sweeping circular motion over 2-4 hour periods of time, employ Quality Time (QT) with spouse and/or family in close proximity to Nativity Sticker. Repeat daily, distributing Luke in even portions to each family member. NOTE: Initial QT with family may result in outcries, tedium, or heightened anxiety. Repeat Step 4 until all family members are able to remain in non-fractious state for 1-2 hour spans of time. Proceed to Step 5 only when family is able to sustain 5-minute discussion of Nativity Sticker or Luke. WARNING: Failure to utilize QT with spouse/family on daily basis in proximity of Nativity Sticker and AdventBase™ will result in re-pressurizing of Gift List and leakage of Sulfur Chloromide Polycarbide, resulting in severe skin burns.   

WARNING: DO NOT UNWRAP CABLES FROM YOUR CHRISTMAS™!

AVERTISSEMENT: NE PAS DÉBRANCHER LES CÂBLES DE VOTRE CHRISTMAS ™!

警告:切勿將電纜從您的聖誕樹上拆下!

Step 5: You are now ready to complete assembly of your Christmas™. On Christmas Eve, utilize QT with spouse/family and distribute remaining portions of Luke evenly to all family members. Place de-pressurized Gift List beside cup of milk near fireplace or other central heating unit. Lift your completed Christmas™ and place into AdventBase™ support brackets. Using Allen wrench (4), tighten all hardware.       

CONGRATULATIONS! You have successfully assembled your Christmas™! NOTE: Your Christmas™ must be supported by OrdinaryTime™ 7.0, available at participating Parishes of the Roman Catholic Church. PLEASE NOTE: Christmas™ units unsupported by OrdinaryTime™ 7.0 may result in permanent injury to but not excluding brain, skin, and hearts.

Johnson, a husband and father of five, is the bishop’s Delegate for Evangelization and Media.

© Arlington Catholic Herald 2016