If I had a dollar for every time I've heard it, I could probably send my ninth child to college. "All those children! You must be so patient." It's as if people think that hospitals infuse patience after delivery. Or maybe they think that only people naturally gifted with patience are able to conceive more than twice. Or maybe they think that being in the presence of lots of children automatically results in patience. In reality, patience is a highly valued virtue in a home with many children and we all work to cultivate it. Some days, patience is much more abundant than others.

Perfectionism is an archenemy of patience. One of the most effective cures for perfectionism is a houseful of kids. If the mom of many kids holds tightly to her expectations that all must look and be perfect, she will quickly go insane. She will also frequently lose her temper and be whiny and impatient. I know this to be true. So, she learns, day after day, that we are striving for holiness here together on earth, not seeking to appear to have it all together all the time for the general public. In our home, we have some very messy days, some very frustrating days, some days when we all wonder what we've gotten ourselves into. And on some days, I reach the end of the day thinking I've reached the end of my rope. I survey the day and see all my failings — all the missed opportunities to love well, all the messes, all the wasted time. All I can see are my imperfections. I wonder at the cosmic mistake God made when he entrusted this family to me.

St. Francis de Sales writes, "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew."

I live those words. I have to live those words. I have to be able to go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow is a new day to set about remedying my imperfections. What's more, I have to remember that an unswept floor or mismatched socks aren't always imperfections. God reminds me again and again that he wants me to genuinely live according to his priorities. If the floor went unswept because I was rocking a sick baby, that's not a failure but a success. So, then, I must combat the other failure: the one that cares what my neighbor thinks more than what God thinks. Every day I am called to begin anew to be patient with myself and to live according to his call, while ignoring the call of the world.

I ask God to show me how to be patient. I learn perseverance in prayer, "I want to see myself as you see me God. Please grant me the grace to remedy my imperfections and to make myself the person you intend me to be. And also grant me the grace to be kind and patient with myself in the process." He wants us to ask and he wants us to be audacious in the asking. The prayer is specific and sweeping. I want it all. I want to know what God created me to be. I want to remedy those things that stand in the way of being that woman. I have learned that I can only be as patient with my children as I am with myself. If I am overly critical of myself and demand too much too soon from myself, there is a definite trickle-down to the kids.

One of the best ways to learn to be patient with oneself is to turn off the negative dialogue that plays in your head. Speak kindly to yourself today. Turn off all the demanding, critical self-talk and only say things to yourself that you would say to your dearest friend. We know better than to say ugly, harsh, impatient things to other people, but we rarely stop to think about how damaging they are when we say them to ourselves. One of the beautiful blessings of being kind and gentle to ourselves is that it usually results in being patient with the people we love. That noticeable patience can only be a good thing in our homes and in the world.

Foss is a freelance writer from Northern Virginia. Her Web site is elizabethfoss.com.