Helicopter parenting, travel sports, social media — there’s a lot of expectations and challenges that make raising children unnecessarily difficult.
At least, that’s what Tim Carney, a parishioner of St. James Church in Falls Church, argues in his book “Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Made Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be.” These obstacles may be part of the reason why the birth rate is dropping, even as studies show that couples want more children than they’re actually having. Parents play a part in making the parenting experience more enjoyable, but everyone has a role. “Humans aren’t made to raise kids alone,” said Carney.
Why families are smaller
Family unfriendliness begins even before babies are born. Contraception and abortion hinder family flourishing in more ways than one, said Carney. “The pill helped (having children) be something you’re going to agonize over, you’re going to postpone, you’re going to deliberately plan. (It’s turned) children into a personal choice and thus a personal problem,” he said. When child-rearing is seen as a lifestyle choice rather than a societal good, the onus falls more heavily on the shoulders of the parents and less and less on the proverbial village. “Gone is the idea that we should support everybody having kids,” he said.
Economics certainly plays a role in parental decision making, but it’s not as straightforward as it might seem, said Carney. For example, families in wealthier countries or in nations with government initiatives such as free child care don’t necessarily have more children. “(Some countries) give massive child tax credits or child allowances and that can drive up the birth rate — but none of them have been able to get to replacement (level),” he said. Statistically, wealth doesn’t play a role, either. “Richer people in the United States do not generally have more babies, if you make an exception for Elon Musk,” he quipped.
Carney proposes that among the many reasons couples have fewer kids, culture plays a significant role. There’s a growing belief that humanity isn’t good, said Carney, citing young adults who say having children is too risky and possibly unethical. But a few generations ago, the parents of Baby Boomers had a different view. “Our men came back having just saved the world from two evil dictators and they were greeted by the women who had just kept the economy going,” he said. “They got married and had a bunch of kids in part because never before or never since has it been so clear that we are good.”
That belief in the goodness of humanity can make a world of difference. Carney quotes Pope Francis — “A happy community naturally develops the desire to generate and welcome others, while an unhappy society is reduced to a group of individuals defending what they have at all costs.”
While the book offers family friendly policy suggestions, such as improving city planning to make communities more safely walkable, several takeaways can be implemented by everyday parents and Catholics.
Avoid overscheduling
In Northern Virginia, it’s not uncommon for kids and teens to be involved in multiple extracurricular activities, sometimes very demanding ones. When every school night is taken up with music lessons or play practice, families often become trapped commuting in the car, unable to sit down together to a home-cooked meal or to go on an evening stroll through the neighborhood. “We’ve replaced the local Little League with expensive, intensive travel sports,” said Carney. “What were games for kids became jobs, which makes childhood less fun and more stressful. They disrupt family culture.”
Overscheduling also robs children of unstructured play time. “They deprived kids of alone time, boredom, (and) unsupervised play with their friends and neighbors, like a pick-up basketball game,” he said. “That might seem like idleness to a lot of people but it’s absolutely fundamental to childhood development. A lot of psychiatrists are saying that childhood anxiety is on the rise precisely because kids lack unsupervised play.”
Unplug
On a long car ride, Carney can appreciate letting technology distract and entertain children. But in daily life, giving children a tablet or smartphone, not to mention access to social media, can have serious adverse consequences to their mental health. One big threat is online pornography, which can be addictive and brain-altering. “Too much Internet, too much YouTube, too much screen time, and maybe any amount of social media can make children less agreeable, less sociable, and less pleasant to be around,” said Carney. The latest pop culture craze on the internet also can undermine messages parents are trying to impart.
From the outside looking in, a family with parents and children glued to their devices isn’t inviting, either. “When twentysomethings look around and see detached and sullen adolescents staring at Instagram or TikTok, it’s not a cheerful picture of parenthood,” said Carney. “If your nephews are withdrawn or uninterested during family gatherings, it may not get you enthused about launching your own family.”
Leave work on time
Whether it’s staying at home with a sick child, taking breaks to pump breastmilk or heading out right as the workday ends to make the daycare pick-up, parenting can interfere with work, especially for women. Company culture can support family culture, or hinder it. “Mothers (in the workplace) value flexibility and time with their kids more than fathers do. A lot of American feminists have wanted to fix that by relieving women of having to care for their kids, and that’s totally backward,” said Carney. “Instead of turning mothers into company men, I argue we should turn company men into family guys. The workplace allies that women need are men who say, ‘It’s five o’clock, I’m going home to family dinner.’ ”
Volunteer at your parish
There are numerous ways parish communities can improve family life, said Carney. They can welcome each newborn with a box full of baby necessities and religious items. They can host a playgroup for stay-at-home parents and children. They can facilitate date nights with free babysitting provided by the youth group.
At a previous parish, Carney helped run a family tee-ball game and cookout that allowed parents to get to know one another and kids to play together. “I think it’s an incredibly important ministry that makes family life more fun and easier,” he said. “Parents need support from other parents, to talk and joke about the frustrations and to look at the beautiful things you have to look forward to.”
During a recent Sunday Mass, Carney wasn’t able to hear his own children lectoring over the sound of babbling babies. “I have been blessed to live in multiple parishes where you see a bunch of families with a bunch of kids and newlyweds who are expecting their firsts. Having that be visible and audible is good,” he said. “While our culture is family unfriendly, family friendly subcultures can really make a huge difference.”
Maraist is a freelancer from Reston.
