Jochebed, daughter of Levi, was living under Egyptian
oppression when the Pharaoh ordered that the Israelites' baby
boys be drowned in the Nile. Though she safely hid her son
for three months, the day came when she could hide him no
longer. And so she made the heart-wrenching choice
memorialized in the Book of Exodus.
Pedro Américo's 1884 oil on canvas, "Moses and
Jochebed," depicts the beautiful Jewess in anguish as she
stands on the banks of the legendary river. In one hand, she
clutches the basket containing her pink-faced child. She
presses her other hand to her cheek in worry. In that moment,
Jochebed looks just as likely to go through with her decision
as she does poised to change her mind. But because of her
courage and despite her fears, the Pharaoh's daughter finds
Moses and adopts him as her own, sparing him the fate
suffered by other Hebrew boys.
In the Diocese of Arlington, the adoption process begins far
from the sphere of Pharaohs. Discreetly located in a Burke
office park, the Catholic Charities Center for Adoption and
Pregnancy Service has a staff of licensed social workers to
assist birth and adoptive parents throughout all stages of
the child placement process. Every staff member's desk
contains a handwritten sign bearing the words "Calm.
Confident. Caring. Determined." The signs remind the staff of
how to perform their jobs, day in and day out.
"We pull all of that off because we are people of faith,"
said Kim Harrell, the center's director. "Faith is not only
relevant, it's central. Every (child) placement is a
miracle."
The center makes a point of guiding and supporting pregnant
women, whether they choose to parent themselves or not. But
if a mother does choose to make an adoption plan, the center
works with her to match her child with an adoptive couple.
"(Making an adoption plan) is probably one of the hardest
things these mothers will ever do," said Harrell, an adoption
professional with two decades of experience. "Birth parents
are heroes. They are selfless, and they are strong."
Harrell described the birth mothers who come to the center as
socially, economically and racially diverse. They vary in
age, religious upbringing, educational background and
employment status.
"There's this stereotype that birth mothers are young, often
still in high school. But that's not usually the case," said
Sarah McNichols, one of the center's social workers.
One of her first clients on the job was in her late 30s and
the mother of a teenager. The woman, who had been married,
was employed and enrolled in college part-time.
"Look around you," said Harrell. "Look at where we live.
That's your birth mother."
The commonality uniting birth mothers is their commitment to
providing the best for their children. That may mean making
an adoption plan, Harrell explained, but it may mean
parenting the child themselves or placing the child with a
relative.
"Birth parents will change their mind a thousand times," said
Harrell. "We are not here to bully or strong arm them. We are
here to work with them."
In the wings
According to Harrell, about 90 percent of the prospective
adoptive parents who walk through the center's doors identify
as Christian, whether Catholic or non-Catholic. Otherwise,
like birth parents, they span a range of demographics,
including economic backgrounds. The center, unlike many other
agencies, offers adoptions on a sliding scale.
"Our goal is to include anybody who wants to adopt," said
Harrell. "The more open you are (as a prospective adoptive
couple), the more quickly you'll be chosen. If you're closed
and want a very specific kind of child, you'll wait longer."
Adoptive parents must complete an application, undergo a home
study, create a profile for birth mothers to consider and go
through relevant training. How long they wait to bring a
child home greatly varies, depending on a complex combination
of personal, logistical and legal factors.
"God is in control here," said Harrell. "I couldn't do this
job for as long as I have if I thought I was in charge of all
this. The stakes are too high. This is God's perfect plan. I
tell (prospective) adoptive parents, 'When a child is placed
in your arms, you're going to believe that.'"
A mother's great debate
Eight years ago, Elizabeth, whose name has been changed to
protect her privacy, was a nursing student at a local college
when she discovered she was pregnant.
"I lost it for a little bit," she said. "I couldn't deal with
it."
When her abusive boyfriend pushed her to get an abortion,
Elizabeth, who was raised Catholic, pushed back. Convinced at
first that she would raise the child herself, she ended the
relationship. She told her parents that she was pregnant
because she didn't want "to even be tempted to get an
abortion."
Elizabeth promptly withdrew from college and moved in with
her parents, who live in Falls Church. Then she started a
full-time job as a floater at the preschool where she had
worked during school breaks.
"I was angry with myself, not my parents. Even though my
parents really didn't want me to keep the baby, they would've
supported me either way," said Elizabeth. "We argued a lot
because I didn't see what they saw, which was that I couldn't
provide the life that I wanted for my child. I had to come to
that realization on my own."
Once she did come to that realization, she set up an
appointment with the center to make an adoption plan.
Any time Elizabeth found herself confused about her decision,
she wrote a pros and cons list, sometimes several times a
day, to remind herself of what kind of life adoption would
give her son. Despite her ex's harassing phone calls and
criticism from old high school friends, Elizabeth focused on
making arrangements for her baby, whether it meant finding
baptism and confirmation gifts or coming up with a checklist
of qualities she wanted the adoptive parents to have. She
also went to the center for therapy, a practice that helped
her "unpack emotions I didn't even know existed."
Elizabeth, who wanted Catholic parents for her child, met a
total of nine prospective couples. The meetings took place
over dinner at a local restaurant, where both parties had a
chance to introduce themselves and discuss family backgrounds
and values. The couple that ended up being the best match
were family friends she had not previously considered.
"When you meet the right couple, it's like meeting your
husband," said Elizabeth. "I knew I wanted this couple to
parent my children the same way I knew I wanted to marry my
husband."
Coincidentally, Elizabeth, now a mother of four, met her
husband at the preschool where she worked during her
pregnancy. To her bafflement, she said, he pursued her and
stood by her during the most challenging time in her life.
Today, Elizabeth's son is 8 years old. She and the child's
adoptive parents agreed to an "open" adoption, meaning she
has the chance to learn how and what her son is doing. They
send her letters and photos, while she sends her son
Christmas and birthday gifts. When the boy turns 18, his
adoptive parents will present him a handwritten letter from
Elizabeth. The letter tells her story, assures him of her
continued love and invites him to get in touch with her if he
wishes.
"I know I sound strong, but it still gets me," said
Elizabeth. "I still go to support group. I've come a long
way. I've always known I've done the right thing for him.
He's so happy, and he has the life I wanted for him."
Perfect timing
Tom and Rachel, a self-described "older couple," found out
about a year into their marriage that they were unable to
have children. Though they had discussed adoption, it wasn't
until they saw an announcement in their parish bulletin that
they decided to make an appointment with the center. After
doing some research and talking to other couples, they
applied for consideration. Once approved, Tom and Rachel, who
were open to adopting a child of any race, made a profile for
birth parents to review.
Then the couple waited two years.
The first year, Rachel said the fact that her life could
"completely change any day" made her uneasy. But after the
first year, she made peace with that fact.
"There's so much in adoption that you can't control," said
Rachel. "So I did a lot of praying. I told myself that the
right child would come at the right time. Waiting
strengthened our marriage and our relationship with our
friends and family."
Then the day came: In September 2014, the center called Tom
and Rachel into their office to meet a birth mother. During
the meeting, the two parties went over each other's profiles
and learned about each other's families. Though the birth
mother did not necessarily expect the couple she chose to be
Catholic, she was pleased to find that Tom and Rachel were
religious.
"But the social worker warned us that (the birth mother)
still had her reservations," said Tom. "She might change her
mind."
Again, the couple prayed.
In November 2014, baby Jay was born. Then he was placed in
cradle care, a temporary foster situation that gives birth
mothers 10 days to terminate adoption plans. Because of a
legal database called the putative father registry, this
period also allows the birth father to come forward and claim
parenting rights.
But Jay's birth father did not come forward, and his birth
mother decided to go ahead with her adoption plan. Tom and
Rachel brought Jay home the day before Thanksgiving.
"When the social worker checked the (putative father
registry), she told us, 'We just want baby Jay to go home
with his forever family'," Rachel said. "And I thought, 'Wow,
we're his forever family.'"
Find out more information
To learn more about the Catholic Charities Center for
Adoption and Pregnancy Services, visit centerforadoptionservices.org.
Stoddard can be reached at cstoddard@catholicherald.com.