I’m a big proponent of self-care. I believe that women should take care of themselves in every stage of their lives. In fact, rallying women to be good at self-care has become a passion of mine.
Midlife offers a woman an opportunity to look back and consider what she would do differently if she had the opportunity. I would have definitely taken better care of myself. But maybe not in the colloquial sense of the term. I’m not a big cheerleader for spa days. I want something better.
Further, I think we have such an urgent need for self-care in our society because we are not at all good at “other-care.” We don’t take care of one another. Of course, we take care of our children, and many of us pour out our lives for them to the detriment of our own well-being. But women do not seem to take good care of one another.
In a fast-paced world that prides itself on connectedness, we could all use a healthy dose of personal touch. “Personal” in the sense that we need to see each other as unique people who live in unique households and who bring unique gifts to every encounter. And we need to “touch.” While internet connectedness has blessed us immeasurably, especially in a time of forced social isolation, it’s time to put a hand on a shoulder, to offer an exuberant hug, to extend a hearty handshake. It’s time to linger over dinner at home with another family, laughing through dessert and reminiscing over wine. It’s time to pour into another person. It’s time to be a good friend.
There is no question that both science and faith call us to community. (That’s how true science works; it never contradicts our faith.) We were made for one another; we are made to care for one another. One of the tenets of long, healthy lives is strong friendships. Science tells us that close friends bolster our confidence and nurture our sense of well-being, particularly when life is hard. People are happier when they sense that they belong. And our friends influence our behaviors for good or ill. Want to be fit? Surround yourselves with people who also want to be fit; they will support and encourage your efforts. Be careful, though, to guard yourself against seeing friends as a means to an end.
Aristotle wrote, “Those who love because of utility, love because of what is good for themselves, and those who love because of pleasure do so because of what is pleasant to themselves.” This is not where enduring and nurturing friendship happens. Some — maybe even most — of our friendships might have elements of utility or pleasure, but these are not the ones that will care for us in sustainable and substantial ways. What one finds useful or pleasurable, continues Aristotle, “is not permanent but is always changing; thus, when the reason for the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved.”
Aristotle warned young people in particular to be careful that they weren’t choosing (and using) their friends as stepping stones. Instead, we should look to being the kind of friend we want to have and cultivating relationships where care is at the core. The third type of friendship in Aristotle’s paradigm is the one that is founded in virtue, the friend who cherishes what you cherish. These are the friends who want the best for one another. They recognize the value of the other, and they are committed to nurturing the good in her.
What if we approach friendship this way? Sure, we’d have some friends who are for fun or practical acquaintance, but what if we intentionally cultivated that third type of friendship? What if we decide that this is the friend we want, so this is the friend we endeavor to be? What if we are the kind of girls who encourages a friend to care of herself and then helps her to find the time and space and energy to do it? What if we invest in the care of friends — in their well-being — so well that it isn’t necessary for a woman to stake a claim and shout the need for self-care that looks like time away from people she loves in order to survive the demands of modern life? What if we change modern womanhood by being good friends to one another?
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
