There is a discussion (argument?) that seems to pop up around this time every year. With wedding season in full swing, people love to debate the merits of getting married young over deliberately delaying. Before we dig in, there is an obvious caveat: some people would dearly love to marry young, but have not yet found someone to love as a spouse. No matter what the academic argument is, when or if we marry is not entirely within our control.
The prevailing sentiment among people of marrying age recently is to wait — to finish a lengthy formal education, establish a career, perhaps even buy a house. This used to be the unusual, even radical route to take. In 2021, the average age at which women got married was 28.6 years. For men, the average age of marriage was 30.4 years. In 1920, the average age for women was 21, and for men, it was 24. That’s a six- or seven-year increase over the 100-year span. In reality, though, most of that change has occurred in the last generation. In 1980, the average age for women was 22, and for men, 24. Something in the last 40 years has compelled young couples to marry significantly later than their parents did.
At 21, I was a young bride in 1987. Approaching my 35th wedding anniversary next month, I have some big thoughts. Of course, I have no firsthand knowledge of marrying later. And my sense of how marrying young has borne itself out is more like wisdom than hard data.
The world tells young couples to get all their ducks in a row, to delay until they are secure. Life has taught me that the ducks never line up neatly and that security is only in faith, never in the tangible, touchable things of this world. The most seemingly secure job one day can be over the next day. The healthiest spouse on your wedding day can be battling cancer on your second anniversary. I lived that story. You don’t get to write the script. God does. It’s your job to improv along. Who do you want to do that with and why are you waiting to get started? Do you doubt that God will give you sufficient grace to do life together within the covenant of a sacramental marriage? Are you putting limits on what God can do in favor of the security you think the world can offer?
Just a generation ago, women were encouraged by the feminist culture to be radical: to put their careers first, to delay childbearing, to crash through glass ceilings, to refuse to submit their wills to anyone.
Just a generation later, it is the women choosing to marry young, to have lots of babies, to allow a man to lead who are the radicals. I’m here to encourage you: It’s a good life. You don’t have to be all things to all people all the time. It’s OK to want to get married and settle down and make a home. It’s OK to choose not to pursue advanced degrees and high-powered careers. It’s also OK to pursue them — but together, already married, already growing and investing in a lifetime relationship with the benefit of the grace of the sacrament.
When you marry young, you will struggle. (Pretty sure you will struggle if you marry older, as well. Marriage is not the stuff of diamond commercials. It’s a mess sometimes.) You will argue. You will question if you were too young to have made such a huge decision. Being married is hard work. Everything worth anything is hard.
One thing I find in common with almost every couple I know who married before their mid-20s is that they say they were stubborn. They were stubborn enough to insist on making a lifetime commitment before they had a lot of guarantees in place. And then, that stubbornness served them well as they held onto both the commitment and their dearly beloved as they grew into themselves and their marriages.
Don’t overthink it. Recognize that you don’t have the control or the power that the world tells you that you have. The most powerful thing you can do in this life is to surrender to the will of God. If God calls you to marriage, don’t delay in answering the call. Get right to it.
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
