Congratulations on your engagement! For the next six-plus months, your days will be a whirlwind of preparations, both for the wedding festivities and for a lifetime of marriage.
In marriage prep, the engaged couple meets several times with their celebrant. They review Catholic teaching on the sacrament of marriage, attend a retreat with other engaged couples, and complete a FOCCUS test, a pre-marriage questionnaire that identifies areas for discussion and growth. But often, the most helpful way to prepare for marriage comes from observing healthy, holy marriages. And at several parishes around the diocese, mentorship is baked into the marriage prep.
Parishes including Nativity Catholic Church in Burke, the Basilica of St. Mary in Alexandria and St. Rita Church in Alexandria host ministries that match engaged couples with a married couple in the parish. As part of marriage prep, the two couples are required to meet one-on-one at least twice before the wedding day. Generally, they meet more often, and the married couple becomes a resource for the engaged couple long after they are married.
In general, mentor couples must be married for a minimum of five years and be vetted by the pastor.
Mentor couple Marsha and Jake O’Donnell have been involved with Nativity’s Engaged Sponsor Couple Ministry since its inception in 2020 and regularly mentor married couples at St. Mary of the Immaculate Conception Church in Fredericksburg. Between the two parishes, they mentor 15-20 couples each year.
With Nativity’s mentorship ministry, the O’Donnells schedule their first meeting with the engaged couple virtually. After the initial Zoom meeting, “we usually try to meet them in person and go out,” said Marsha. “We take them out to dinner or take them out to lunch.”
In their meetings, the mentor couple shares their relationship story with the engaged couple, building a foundation of trust, according to Marsha. They may also review the results from the couple’s FOCCUS test, going into greater discussion on topics where the couple differed.
“It takes a while for couples to feel comfortable asking questions about their own relationship,” according to Isaiah Contu, who serves with his wife, Darien, as one of 20 mentor couples for the basilica’s “Prepare to Serve” mentorship ministry that started last year. The Contus also mentor engaged couples through St. Rita’s “Witness to Love” program that launched five years ago.
The Contus give the engaged couples a glimpse of future family life during their meetings. “They’re having dinner with us and the kids, seeing the craziness that can happen there, and just seeing what life looks like, seeing how we live out our faith in our home,” said Isaiah.
In their conversations, the engaged couple can ask their mentor couple questions, ranging from different communication styles to finances to family of origin issues.
“We had one couple and they were very interested in questions related to family of origin,” said Betty Loia, who is involved in “Prepare to Serve” with her husband, Robert, principal of the basilica school. Betty said a typical question is: “As you approach the holidays, how do you balance your obligations to your families?”
The questions may also address sensitive topics that couples may not feel comfortable discussing with a priest. “One of the questions I think we always get later on is some of the more ‘real talk’ around, ‘What’s this natural family planning stuff? And how does it actually work?’ ” Darien Contu said.
The Loias also address this topic, essential to developing a healthy view of the sacrament of marriage: “We also try to always work in some reflection on John Paul II’s ‘Theology of the Body,’ ” Betty said.
The results of this ministry are transformational for engaged couples. Deanna and Nick Lekkas, who married in April last year, went through Nativity’s mentor couple program and were matched with the O’Donnells.
The first meeting was over Zoom, where the O’Donnells reviewed Deanna and Nick’s FOCCUS test results. A few months later, the two couples met in person, which turned into many outings that continue today. “Marsha and Jake were just the perfect mentors,” Deanna said. “They’re a couple we really look up to now.”
Deanna said that having an open space to discuss all aspects of marriage felt freeing. “It felt like such a judgment-free zone to be able to talk through all the important conversations regarding our relationship and marriage and what that entailed,” she said. “We felt more in love after having these conversations.”
She added that the ministry has helped them navigate the first year of marriage smoothly. “People always say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. We haven’t felt that at all. It’s been so beautiful and joyous,” she said. “If we’re ever in an argument, I find myself reflecting back on these conversations we had and saying, ‘Okay, let’s take a beat here.’ ”
Many pastors have long paired engaged couples with married couples in an unofficial capacity. “I first began pairing married couples as mentors to engaged couples when I became a pastor at All Saints (Catholic Church in Manassas) 26 years ago and now at Nativity,” said Msgr. Robert C. Cilinski. “I felt that as a priest I have insights and teachings to share with engaged couples, but I am not married. I do not have that perspective or experience. It was a natural decision to have married people involved in marriage preparation so they can share the wisdom and grace of their vocation.”
Father Christopher P. Christensen, pastor of St. Rita, agreed. “It likewise provides a way for younger couples to connect to established parish families, such that they are not left on their own to try to connect,” he said. “It also gives younger couples another couple to talk to about questions or issues in their relationship or families.”
For the O’Donnells, meeting with engaged couples reinforces the need to strengthen families before the vows.
“I think it’s essential, not just for the church, but for our world,” Jake said. “The family is the basic building block of our faith and of our society. And so strengthening that building block is of the utmost importance.”
