There was no cataclysmic event or major revelation that drove a wedge between Jim and Ann. But after years of marriage, the couple was on the brink of divorce. “The stress of life over time and coming to deal with how we had been brought up didn’t provide us with some of the tools that we needed, so we had become miserable in the relationship,” said Jim. “I think we had really reached a point where we were ready to dissolve the marriage.”
Jim and Ann, who are using their middle names due to the sensitive nature of the topic, had seen Retrouvaille weekends advertised in their parish bulletin. They decided to attend, though Ann doubted it would help. “I felt so much distance that I wasn’t very hopeful going into it,” she said. “I was thinking, this is going to be a huge amount of time for not a lot of turnaround.”
Retrouvaille, the French word for rediscovery, is a program for couples who want help for their marriage. The all-volunteer organization is run by people who have been through the program — couples who had serious marital difficulties but were able to reconcile. The program has three phases: the weekend, the post-weekend sessions and monthly small group support meetings. Though the program is Catholic, anyone is welcome to attend.
Several years after attending that Retrouvaille weekend, Jim and Ann are happily married and are now Retrouvaille volunteers. Their commitment to the ideals of marriage stayed with them during their “season of misery,” said Jim, and that belief plus Retrouvaille made all the difference. “Retrouvaille provided us (with) the tools to make that commitment more loving, thoughtful, deliberate … ”
“And sustainable,” Ann added. “We’ve got each other’s back (and) I didn’t feel that way before.”
Chris and Kim, who prefer to use only their first names, are the community coordinators for Northern Virginia Retrouvaille. Throughout their years volunteering, they’ve seen the transformation the program facilitates. “On Friday night, you can just feel this vibe in the room that is so tense and then by Sunday afternoon, you sense that there’s been a lot of healing,” said Kim.
A big part of the weekend is hearing the personal stories of couples who have overcome relationship problems and now have stronger marriages. “You realize you’re not alone and if they can get past it, then there’s no reason for you not to try,” said Kim. Couples learn that they need to forgive one another and commit to the marriage if they want to regain trust and overcome hurt, said Chris. “You learn things, like love is a decision.”
Attendees don’t have to share their story with anyone but at the end of the weekend, sometimes they do. It’s rewarding to see the change, said Kim. “We’ve had times where couples are living in separate houses and they’ve shared that they’ve made the decision to move back in together,” said Chris. “There was a couple that shared that they had divorce papers waiting at home for them and they were going to see how things went during the weekend. They shared with us they planned to tear up the divorce papers when they got home.”
Going through Retrouvaille greatly helped Chris and Kim’s marriage, but it also gave them the gift of being able to help others. “(God) takes that mess of your life and turns it into something good,” said Kim. “The things that happen to us are never really meant for us, they’re meant for us to teach someone else and isn’t that what we’re all here for — to love each other and help each other out?”
Sean and Beth, who also prefer to use only their first names, said Retrouvaille was their “last-ditch effort” to save their marriage after couples counseling failed. Their belief in the vows they made, their
desire to keep their family intact for their two children and the support of their parents, who were strong role models, compelled them to attend. “I had very low expectations going in,” said Beth. “And I can say that the weekend was just this completely tremendous, altering experience that really did make me realize that potentially our marriage could be saved.”
“The whole program is about dialoguing with each other,” said Sean. “All that time just you and your spouse talking, that hadn’t happened in years for us, to just be alone for ourselves that long. We had the kids, you’re always working, there’s so many other things in life.”
Sean had heard breakup stories, but rarely stories of forgiveness and reconciliation, like those shared over the weekend. “Typically, you hear there’s infidelity or drug abuse, and it’s always the reason for divorces. You always hear that in society,” said Sean. “You never hear (that) this person was unfaithful, but they rebuilt their marriage. You never hear those turnaround stories. That’s what the whole Retrouvaille experience was about.”
Going through the program also helped the couples grow in their faith. “We weren’t really practicing, we didn’t think about it a lot, didn’t pray about it a lot,” said Sean. “Retrouvaille and the whole experience has brought us closer to Christ because it’s at these moments where you’re completely down, who’s the last resort to rely on? God. That’s when you start to develop a deeper faith.”
Now, Sean and Beth are best friends who believe they have the tools to get through the ups and downs. “What I love about our story is that we’ve really grown up together,” said Beth. “I met Sean when I was 19, and I’m about to be 40. I still can’t imagine going through this with anybody but Sean. There have been some really low times, but I feel like Sean’s also been there for the absolute highest times. I really look forward to the next 40 years where we’re going to be in this together.”
