As we continue to adjust to the new normal of sheltering at home
and telework, we are physically around our spouses more than ever. This can be
a great thing, but it can often come with challenges, especially if we struggle
with healthy communication in the marriage. Here are five suggestions for
strengthening your relationship during this stressful time by improving the
ways we talk to each other.
1)
Be Honest about Concerns
Even in the best of marriages, there will be times when we
unintentionally hurt or frustrate each other.
This is especially true when we’re in close proximity all the time due
to travel restrictions. If we’re frustrated by something our spouse has done,
we need to be honest with them about this. Obviously, we want to be respectful
and appropriate when bringing our concerns, but we don’t want to try to sweep
our concerns under the rug and pretend nothing happened. This only leads to
growing frustration and resentment. One way to think of arguments is that
they’re disagreements that didn’t happen soon enough.
2)
Find the Right Time to Talk
Having a difficult conversation successfully means knowing when
both of you are in a good place to talk.
Trying to let someone know that you’re upset at 11 p.m. when you’re both
trying to go to bed is rarely the best time. It’s a good idea to let your
spouse know that there’s something important you’d like to discuss and ask if
now is a good time to connect. If it’s not, set at time soon when you can have
that conversation.
3)
Make It Collaborative
Healthy communication in a marriage is never about winning an
argument. By default, if one spouse “wins” an argument then the other spouse
“loses,” it really means that the whole marriage loses. Try to make any problem
an “us” issue as opposed to a “you versus me” issue. We want to work together
to improve the marriage. Remind yourself that the reason you both are trying to
have this conversation is so that you can sort out the things that are keeping
you two from connecting as well as you want. Nobody likes to have difficult
conversations or tell their spouse that they felt hurt or disappointed. But we
do it because we love the person so much that we’re willing to have those
uncomfortable encounters in order to address issues, fix problems and
strengthen the marriage.
4)
It’s OK to Call a Timeout
Not every conversation is going to go as smoothly as you hope. If
you find that you or your spouse are starting to get frustrated during the
conversation, it’s OK to pause. When we start getting angry with each other, we
end up arguing about how we’re talking to each other, rather than the original
issue itself. It’s fine to take a break, have some space to cool down and then
reconvene to finish the discussion.
5)
Focus on the Positive
Even when we’re angry with our spouse, we want to remember their
good qualities. This helps us keep perspective that we love them, even when we
don’t like what they’re doing. Research shows that the happiest couples have at
least five positive encounters for every negative encounter. So it’s important
to go out of our way to create positive encounters. Tell your spouse the things
you admire about them. Tell them when you appreciate something they do. Tell
them thank you and that you love them. If you make appreciation and gratitude
the bedrock of the marriage, it becomes easier to navigate the rockier moments
and return to a joyful place.
Horne is Catholic Charities’ director of clinical services.
Find out more
To make a teletherapy appointment with a Catholic
Charities counselor, call 703/425-0109 or 540/371-1124.
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