I am fond of saying that home should be a soft place to land. I
believe it to the core of my being. I have always wanted to parent in such a
way that my children know that when they walk through our doors they will find
refuge. We’ll challenge them to live lives of virtue, but we’ll also be the
place where they can ask honest questions, sort things out, and admit mistakes
knowing that love is always unconditional.
The same is true for the home I intentionally make for my
husband. I want him to know that he can come home and be enveloped in the
tender embrace of loving acceptance. When he walks through the door, he can let
down the guard he must keep in place as he navigates the business world day in
and day out. Here, he can be himself and confide his heart. And so can I.
But this does mean that in our family, within the walls of our
home, we are the worst version of ourselves? Not at all. Instead, home is where
we grow into our best version. Four girls currently live under my roof, with
one brother trying to hold his own amongst the women. Frequently, especially
when the girls come home en masse after having been in the company of other
teenagers for the day, their tone of voice is not one I will tolerate.
As children do so well, they mirror the worst behaviors of their
peers. If I detect even the slightest hint of whining or sarcasm or even
rudeness, I point it out and shut it down. I have zero tolerance. More
importantly, I know that in our home, our children are afforded the best — and
often most challenging — opportunity to learn to live well in the community of
other people.
We can remind each other that graciousness is not something we
reserve for strangers or teachers or bosses. Graciousness is to be poured out
abundantly at home if we are going to grow together into the strongest and
kindest of communities.
What about marriage? Isn’t marriage the place where we can let it
all hang out and revel in the freedom of authenticity? Not exactly.
Sacramental marriage is the place where we help each other become
the people God intended us to be all along. Actual grace opens us wide to the
working of the Holy Spirit and we respond with love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians
5:22-23), even in marriage. Especially in marriage. It’s easy to fall into lazy
carelessness; it’s holy to try to be something more. It’s excellent to gently
call each other to be the best versions of ourselves. It’s not inauthentic to
rise to the occasion instead of giving in to baser reactions. It’s actually the
most authentic thing we can do.
My family knows the real me. They know I’m most likely to tackle
a tough problem with patience in the quiet of the early morning, and they know
that I’m frayed and worn by the end of the day, sometimes to the point where I
just can’t rally for conversation. They see me cry and they see me lose my
temper. They see me fail all the time. But they also see me try. The hear me
ask for forgiveness when they get my worst. They know beyond a shadow of a
doubt that I want to give them the very best.
It’s never easy to be kind and gentle all the time. The people
closest to us can press our buttons much more effectively than people in the
world outside our doors, both for the good and for the bad. But our families
deserve our humble, wholehearted effort at goodness. My family is my primary
vocation. It deserves more than what I give everywhere else, not the leftovers
after I’ve exerted all my effort elsewhere.
The people under my roof know that I want to be the mother and
wife that God intended them to have. They know that I rely heavily on the grace
of a savior who died for me. Together, we learn how to navigate the nuances of
human friendship and community. Families are beautiful places to practice being
good people, and home deserves the very best we have to offer.
Foss, whose website is
takeupandread.org, is a freelance writer from Northern Virginia.