I wonder: in order to forgive, do we have to forget? In order to
respect the dignity of a person who has hurt us, do we have to let him or her
back into the space where they harmed us in the first place?
Certainly, we are called to bear wrongs with patience and with
grace; then, when it is appropriate, we admonish the sinner with kind
gentleness. It is an act of mercy to share the faith, to remind another person
of virtue and to pray for them and with them for growth — both in virtue itself
and in the joy that virtue will yield in their lives. There is a patient
persistence in prayer that is our call when someone we love is sinning. We
gently poke slow-growing seeds into the soil and then we wait with patient
faith for them to bear fruit.
But what if the wrong we bear patiently and the sin we call out is
actually an offense against us personally? What if we’ve been hurt by someone
else’s actions? We are called to forgive. And we’re called to do so over and
over again. Someone recently pointed out to me that we have the occasion to
forgive a sin 70 times seven (Mt 18:22) more often than we might recognize. We
can forgive a sin the first time, truly releasing its grip in our souls, but
then we have to forgive it every time it comes to mind, for as long as we continue
to remember.
Often, it’s really in our best interest to remember. Forgiving
isn’t the same as forgetting. Instead, someone else’s sins can hold valuable
lessons for us — lessons in navigating the tricky waters of complicated
relationships, lessons in boundaries, lessons in learning to replace
foolishness with wisdom.
Remembering isn’t for revenge. The only one who will repay a wrong
is God (Rom 12:19). It’s important to relinquish completely the desire to hurt someone in retaliation for
hurts suffered at their hands. Whenever someone else causes us to suffer by
their sins, it can be helpful and spiritually fruitful to call to mind that our
suffering pales in comparison to what they will face if they don’t repent and
amend their ways. Even in the hurt, we can soften our hearts for compassion.
But compassion does not ask us to let ourselves be victims again.
Compassion doesn’t ask us to be silent and let pass the opportunities to share
our pain, both for our healing and as a cautionary tale to others. Compassion
does not require us to throw open wide the doors of our homes and hearts to
someone who might harm us or our families. On the contrary, we have a
responsibility to protect ourselves from harm. Certainly, no one would object
to refusing to put oneself in physical harm. It is equally right and just to
protect oneself from emotional harm. It is entirely possible to forgive someone
while at the same time constructing a strong and sturdy boundary against
further pain.
That boundary is a mercy to the one who inflicted the pain, too.
If we allow ourselves to be victims over and over again, then the people who
harm us associate no logical consequence for the damage they have done. Every
parent knows that correction requires some consequence in order to be
effective, even if it’s the sting of disapproval. So, forgiveness that also
results in the consequence of a boundary is not incomplete forgiveness.
Protecting oneself from further harm is good self-care. It’s a good idea to be
kind and gentle to ourselves when we’ve been hurt. When we forgive, our hearts
are transformed. Protecting that healing heart is both prudent and kind.
Foss, whose website is
takeupandread.org, is a freelance writer from Northern Virginia.