The social distancing and uncertainty we all face daily due to
COVID-19 is an ongoing struggle, but for many there are additional wounds and
heartaches to be navigated. Prior to the pandemic, when a loved one was nearing
the end of their life, we had the ability to be present in their final moments.
We were able to gather as friends and family to mourn their passing. We were
able to support one another as we began the long process of healing. Sadly,
these opportunities may no longer be options as the elderly are quarantined,
hospitals restrict visitors and family are not able to attend funerals. But we
must grieve in order to begin to heal. What are some ways in which we can
grieve during these troubling times?
Accept what is real
Difficult as it may be, we must recognize the reality of our
situation. This may feel like a bad dream, one that we hope we’ll collectively
wake up from, but denying what is true only makes things worse. We must accept
not just the pain of the loss, but also the hurt and sadness that comes from
not being able to be present. And it is OK to acknowledge the awfulness of the
entire situation. We are allowed to be angry or sad that the pandemic prevents
us from being with our loved ones. We are allowed to feel our own feelings.
Process the loss
When considering grief, we ought to be aware that there are two
types of loss — the loss of the specific
and the loss of potential. Loss of the specific is recognizing that a person we
love is now gone. It is the space their passing leaves in our hearts. Loss of
the potential means that we must grieve all the things we hoped to do with the
person in the future that are now no longer possible. This might be recognizing
that all our Christmases will look different now that our loved one has died. Or
after the death of a child, the sorrow at not being able to see that child
years later on the day of their wedding or ordination. We must be able to
grieve both the specific and potential losses to fully process and heal.
Ways to cope
After a loss, the temptation is often to withdraw emotionally or
isolate from others. Due to social distancing, isolating is the norm in many
situations. However, we need to reach out to others rather than remain alone
with our grief. Reaching out to loved ones and friends gives us an opportunity
to talk things over and share our sorrow. We can cope better with loss when we
realize that we are not alone. Finally, we want to turn to prayer. We can find
strength and consolation in our faith, remembering that Christ promised a life
everlasting.
Be patient
In moments of despair, we can forget that the current situation
will change; the pandemic will end. Keep that in mind. Find ways to remember
and honor the life of your loved ones now, but also make a plan of what you
will do after the stay-at-home orders are lifted. One day soon, we will have an
opportunity to pray beside a final resting place or return to the location of a
joyful shared memory, or fulfill a promise made during a last conversation.
Until that day, we can pray for the repose of the soul of our dearly departed,
and for the comfort and consolation of our loved ones, remembering always that
God is with us.
Horne is director of clinical services for diocesan
Catholic Charities.
Find out more
To make a teletherapy appointment with a Catholic
Charities counselor, call 703/425-0109 or 540/371-1124.