Lately I’m seeing lots of studies — or, more accurately, articles
about studies — claiming that non-parents are happier than parents. The
accompanying commentary essentially concludes that everybody since the
beginning of time has had it wrong, that procreation and parenting are really
just long roads to misery, and that young people should think twice about their
plans for love, marriage and a baby carriage.
Alarmingly,
I’m seeing interviews with young adults who are taking this nonsense seriously,
and deciding to forego children in the interest of pursuing happiness.
And worse
still are the increasingly regular reports I hear of actual parents who are
deciding that this parenting thing is a drag on their social lives, and are
exiting family life in order to get their happy on. I’m not talking about
people in bad or abusive or dangerous marriages who make the difficult decision
to leave for truly substantive reasons. I’m talking about mothers and fathers
who simply decide that the garden variety problems and commitments inherent in
marriage and parenting are making them less happy, so they are exiting stage
right on the assumption that a life of freedom out there will be more
fulfilling.
This, my
people, is messed up.
I get where,
in the short run, the life of the childless might be easier at times. If you
are up all night with a sick kid, and I am able to sleep, I am probably happier
the next day. You, as a parent have a lot more to worry about. And worry, of
course, eats into happiness in whatever moments are stolen by worrying.
But there is
a fundamental mistake here. These people are confusing happiness with
fulfillment.
Happiness is
pleasure. It is an emotion. The dictionary defines it as a “mental or emotional
state.” It is fleeting, transitory, elusive. It happens in the moment. Sure,
I’m happy when I get a good night’s sleep. But a couple of days later, it
doesn’t really matter. Neither does the fun I had, or the money I spent, or
anything else that might buy me short-term happiness. Happiness as a state is
impossible to sustain. As soon as things get difficult, my happiness is gone.
And there is nothing wrong with that. We are meant to have happy moments and
unhappy moments.
Fulfillment
is different. It is deeper, more constant. It can exist underneath a full range
of emotional experiences. It is possible to be unhappy in a moment and yet
fulfilled on a deeper level.
I have
quoted it before, and I’ll quote it a million times again. The Vatican II
document “Gaudium et Spes” says, “Man, being the
only creature created for his own sake, finds himself only in a sincere gift of
himself.”
We find real
meaning, real fulfillment, in self-gift, in love. And that often comes in the
form of sacrificing our own current happiness for the sake of someone else.
Like losing sleep with a sick kid. Like
spending money on tuition instead of a new car.
The problem
with the pursuit of happiness as our sole goal in life is that it detracts us
from our real purpose — and hence, ironically, from real long-term happiness or
fulfillment.
It is my
belief that parenting — aside from bringing many, many happy moments — brings
fulfillment. And, as with many other fulfilling things, it is not easy. It is
not always happy. And those who forego it out of a misguided desire for happiness
are making a lifelong mistake.
I say all of
this as a non-parent. I’m getting all of the fun that you all think you’re
missing out on. And, let me tell you, fun doesn’t offer the love, the
satisfaction, the deep-down fulfillment that is found in the joys and
sacrifices of parenting.
That is not
to say that the life of a non-parent isn’t or can’t be fulfilling. But our
fulfillment isn’t necessarily built-in. Sometimes obligations to serve come to
us. But other times we have to go looking for them — for opportunities to make
a difference, to give ourselves, to matter. When that happens, we become
spiritual fathers or mothers — using our masculine or feminine gifts to make a
difference in the lives of those who are not our biological children.
Twenty years
ago, I gave the graduation address at the Franciscan University of Steubenville
in Ohio. The theme of that talk was “Living Life from the Deathbed Backwards.”
When you are on your deathbed, what will you want your life to have looked
like? Will you be glad you had a lot of fun at a lot of nightclubs? Will you be
satisfied that you are leaving behind a bunch of nice possessions for your
relatives to fight over? Or do you want to look back on the ways you made a
difference — the lives that are here or are better because you existed?
That is the
difference between happiness and fulfillment.
And, trust
me, fulfillment is way better.
Bonacci is a syndicated columnist based in Denver and the
author of We’re On a Mission from God and Real Love.