As family members gather for the upcoming holidays, there might
be more than sugarplums dancing in their heads. Some, perhaps many, might be
inwardly anxious about the potential for hurtful arguments that can erupt among
multigenerational clans.
Of course, Christmas and the other fall/winter holidays are not
supposed to be times of anger or argument, especially not within our families,
which are centers of love.
But with public discourse becoming increasingly fractious and
families straddling ever-widening gaps of age, experiences and opinion, fear
about holidays-gone-contentious probably have more than a little merit.
Manners and manners of speaking that aren't critical or
dismissive are becoming rarer. The intensity of technology use among some
generations can create wide deficits in the ability to converse in a meaningful
way. People who have not seen one another in months or years might have changed
in ways that can be difficult for some to understand.
I remember my grandmother remarking on my brother's growth spurt
after not having seen him for several months. She said, "My, how you've
grown." He replied, "What did you expect, that I'd stay the same
forever?" (Fortunately, my brother was still in his "cute"
phase.)
The holiday season itself can heighten negative emotions along
with extra stresses on budgets, time and energy. Pervasive advertisements and
superficial "trappings" all around might raise expectations about gifts,
what others are supposed to do or say ("We always have Christmas Eve at
... ”), or not do or say ("She/He told me there'd be no arguments this
year ... ”).
Disappointment when reality falls short of those expectations
might spill over in expressed anger, shattering peace.
Many online resources provided by psychologists and others offer
good suggestions on ways to defuse or avoid fractious family situations at the
holiday season.
These include limiting alcohol available at gatherings (substance
abuse can bring on familial problems that reverberate for a long time after
sobriety sets in), setting boundaries about what you will and will not discuss
(and abiding by them), not taking others' comments, ill-meaning or otherwise,
personally (which, fortunately, my grandmother in the above scenario with my
brother did not), and communicating about concerns (budgets, family
obligations, "who should visit who when") before the holidays, so a
happy compromise can be reached.
Understanding the relationship between expectations and reality
can help temper temper.
There are additional suggestions that I have found helpful, too.
Stay true to the meaning of the holidays ahead. Be grateful in
Thanksgiving, full of wonder at Christmas and eager to start afresh in a New
Year (with our own resolutions or in light of a resentment that might still
linger toward a family member).
Pray for peace and courage to embrace family members whose ideas
or attitudes might not be our favorite things; we do not have to bend our
values or abandon our beliefs, but simply, kindly, love.
Engage in the exchange of ideas and opinions respectfully; a
family gathering is not a debate stage, but much more meaningful — and
fleeting. We never know what the year between this and next holiday season will
bring, nor who will be with us and who will not.
Although I have experienced a few unfortunate holiday gatherings,
they pale against the warm memories of others where faith (Mass, prayer,
sharing faith experiences), festive food prepared with care and the blessing of
time helped me appreciate other members of my family, close and extended.
Against the backdrop of today's world, these good memories and
yours, too, help urge us onward into this season and the next, bringing peace,
shining light, making it home.
Pratt's website is www.maureenpratt.com.