The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with Jesus. Close behind that relationship is the one you have with yourself.
Both require stillness. Silence. Rest. You cannot hear our Lord over the din of an overly busy life, nor can you hear yourself think. We struggle to still ourselves, to quiet ourselves, to allow ourselves to rest. We are restless seeking something to appease the sense of not enough. And we are desperate to know ourselves better and to love the Lord well.
Restlessness is defined as “the inability to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.” That is a satisfactory definition to get started. But when we drill down and explore the root of restlessness, we often find acedia: a lack of care or concern, a desire to flee, a wish to “skip to the good part,” a preoccupation with “if only.” It is an interior instability that drives the need to move about and fidget and fill our minds with noise lest we be left alone in the silence with nothing but our own thoughts.
We want relief from this unease. Our hearts pound, our feet pace the floor, our imagination keeps us awake at night; we really want to find a way to be at peace. We want to believe that there is a benevolent force — bigger and more powerful than we are — who really does have control and who wants what is truly best for us. Deep down, we have doubts about that, so we wrestle for control. We are restless because life doesn’t look the way we thought it would or think it should, and we cannot be at peace until we line up everything we think we need to feel secure and successful.
We are restless because instead of seeking God and resting in God, we try to be God. And that’s where those two most important relationships hold the key to living life in a state of rested peace. You have to commit to being somewhere quiet with God.
Place yourself in the presence of Our Lord. Bring nothing with you to the church but a pencil and paper. Sit in front of the tabernacle — or in an adoration chapel if you are so blessed — and ask Jesus to let you see yourself as he sees you. Write it all down in whatever order it comes to you — the good things he sees and knows, the sins you can’t hide from him, the bad habits you’re trying to overcome, the hopes, the plans, the disappointments, the fears. Take your time as you take personal inventory of who you are. In order to have a fruitful relationship with yourself, you need to take the time to really know yourself — in the quiet, in the stillness, in the presence of the Lord. The truest version of yourself is the version God sees. He knows you better than you do, so ask him to show you.
When you finish making your notes, circle all the sins. Copy them to a new sheet of paper and take them with you to confession at the next possible moment. Be finished with that list. Make a new one next week, or in two weeks, or a month from now at the latest. Develop a habit of frequent confession; allow the Lord to love you at your worst.
While in a state of grace, in front of the tabernacle again, organize the rest of your notes. See the patterns and the map of your soul? See the you that God wants you to get to know? Keep writing. You are creating a journal, a place of rest to return to again and again. You and God together will meet here in this place.
And you will rest.
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
