Do you know what the most liberating, transformative, kind thing you can do for yourself is?
Forgive.
Get very still and very quiet and ask yourself what grudges and hurts you’re holding onto today.
Whether it is someone else or ourselves, there is always someone we need to forgive.
Forgiveness is a glorious self-care tool. It’s uniquely and extraordinarily powerful. But sometimes, forgiveness is equated with weakness, with caving in, with relinquishing the upper hand. Frequently, people mistakenly think that somehow forgiveness is condoning bad behavior. But that isn’t what it is at all.
When we forgive, we make an intentional decision to let go of the resentment or anger or desire for vengeance that we hold toward someone we think has caused harm. It’s a choice to release the hold that resentment or anger has on us, regardless of whether the person actually “deserves” forgiveness. There’s freedom there. It’s not up to us to decide who deserves forgiveness. That’s up to God alone. But when we choose forgiveness, we loosen our grip and reach for grace. Forgiveness is what relaxes your neck and shoulders and unclenches your fists. It might benefit the other person enormously, or they may never even know. But forgiveness has the power to change the life of the person who forgives.
So, there is no weakness there. It’s powerfully different from being a doormat for bad behavior. Instead, you are releasing yourself from the hold that anger has on you. Forgiveness isn’t for the other person. It’s for you. It gets you unstuck and propels you forward toward a life of fullness. When you forgive, you stop holding on to all of the blocks that keep you from receiving all that the Lord has to offer you.
Jesus said, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mk 11:24-25).
You forgive so that you are open to accepting abundant grace.
Can you consider forgiveness as the conscious relinquishment of anger? Anger is such a powerful emotion. Often, we are at a loss to process it, so the default is holding on to the hurt that caused the anger and then the anger itself, as if that justifies our hardheartedness and protects us from further pain. But in the end, anger can destroy from the inside. Forgiveness is what is truly protective.
Maybe in your moment of quiet, you identify no one outside yourself as the object of your anger. Often, the person we need to forgive is ourselves. We need to stop wanting to beat ourselves up for perceived failures and mistakes.
Anger is deceptively intricate. It doesn’t necessarily mean you believe that someone did something wrong to you. For instance, you can believe that God is all good, and still be mad at God. You are capable of resenting God for allowing pain in your life or for something you perceive that he did that caused you to suffer. Resentment builds against that suffering. You’re angry with God. Intellectually, you know God didn’t do anything wrong. God is perfect. Still, you are angry. God continues being God; he doesn’t need your forgiveness. But you need to forgive him — for you.
So, today, be still and quiet. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you who and what to forgive. Then do it. Because forgiveness will change your life.
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
