One of the greatest lessons I learned since moving to Connecticut three years ago is how much we need friends, and how the best friends help us thrive. It’s a universal truth; I’m not just talking about women. Girls need friends. Boys need friends. Men become much better men when they have good friends. We were made to live in community with one another. And Catholics are created to function to do life together as one body of Christ.
Another thing I’ve learned is how much most of us need help making and keeping meaningful friendships. My digital mailbox has been inundated with various iterations of “I’m lonely, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Good for you for recognizing you need people. Here’s a short version of what to do about meeting that need.
Stop wishing and waiting.
We sit around and bemoan the fact that it seems like everyone else has a bevy of girlfriends and we have no one close. Instead, pray for good friendships and then seek opportunities to be a friend. Be generous with your time and attention, and actively look for ways to serve. Friendship is service. It is a gift of ourselves to another. You hone your friendship skills when you practice service.
Seek opportunities to serve in the ordinary places where people in your state of life gather. Volunteer to do the things no one wants to do and everyone says they have no time to do. You’re going to meet servant-hearted people there. Servant-hearted people make very good friends. So, seize the chance to serve, whether that’s in your parish, or in your kids’ school, or on the sidelines of a Saturday soccer game. And then strike up conversations with the people serving with you. It’s easy to connect with someone else if you’re standing side by side with your sleeves rolled up, ready to give.
I once met a woman while working a table at a soccer tournament. I didn’t want to be there. It was forced service. But she had a true servant’s heart and she was unforgettably kind to me that night. Ten years later, her house has been home to my youngest boys since we left Virginia. And she’s their second mom.
Change your mindset.
Begin to recognize what you have to offer. Begin to consider yourself as a good friend. Recognize how much value you bring to a relationship. See the gifts you have to give. Then give them generously.
And don’t overlook what I call the “Navy Brat method” of meeting and making friends quickly. My dad was in the U.S. Navy. We moved frequently when I was growing up. One time, when I was particularly frustrated by yet another season of loneliness imposed by a move he told me to go up to someone who looked like she might be nice and say, “Hi, I’m Elizabeth. Would you be my friend?”
I didn’t take his advice. I still think it’s a little weird when you’re 12 and the new kid. But as grown women, I think we should be able to take some risks. We can be a little bolder with our hearts. We still fear rejection the way little girls do, but the friends you want to have are the people who can hear you express that you want companionship and connection and they love that. Because they value it and they want it, too. Don’t be weird, but also don’t be afraid to speak your heart.
Years ago, one of my best friends in the world read this column and called my house. I wasn’t there, and my husband answered the phone. She introduced herself and persuaded him that we would be good friends. I never would have had the audacity to do that. Heck, I probably wouldn’t have even answered the phone and listened had I known. But she made the call, and he heard genuine connection on the line. That was nearly 25 years ago, and I still trust her with my heart today.
Take a chance. Make a friend.
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
