Here we are. It’s that time of year again. The pace will quicken, the to-do list lengthens, the mental and emotional load will grow heavier, and everything around you will insist that it’s the most magical, sparkly, joyful time of the year. The corollary message is that if it’s not — for you or for someone entrusted to your care — somehow that’s your fault. Buckle up and tie those sleigh bells tightly, mama. Here we go into the world where you’re the boss of holiday cheer.
I want to tell you a secret. It must be a secret because no one is talking about it. There is a way to navigate the demands of November and December and get to the new year happier and healthier than you are right now. Exhaustion is not necessary. Burnout is not inevitable. There is the opportunity here to grow and to thrive and to be well.
You are excellent at caring for other people. You keep things going in a busy household; you are the heart of your community. You know how to look after the essential needs of human beings, and then to take it one step further and look after their “extras,” too — the ones that help them go beyond survival to where they are living well. You understand the value of “quality of life.” And that’s why you are so good at making this time of year glow golden for the people you love. But you pour yourself out so effusively that you run dry. Let’s not do that this year.
This year, let’s recognize the girl who doesn’t need to be pushed and bullied into achieving the highest level of holiday perfection. This year, look in the mirror and see that the first person who deserves your very best seasonal kindness and cheer is you. You can still serve the people you love, but let’s truly love your neighbor as yourself this time around. How well do you love yourself? Could it be that that biblical admonition has a dimension you haven’t quite pondered to its fullest richness?
Literally, look in the mirror. Search the face of the person you see there. What does she need? If she were your best friend or your daughter, what would you do for her today? What would you encourage her to do? Those needs are not weaknesses. They are not indulgences. They are what we must do to be the best version of ourselves. You love yourself when you ensure that your mind, body, and spirit are all well fed and well rested. If you are someone who routinely finds herself exhausted by meeting the demands of other people, turn that on its head. Look at yourself and begin to listen intently. What do you need in order to live well? Why would you deny yourself that basic necessity?
You are doing a lot of things right. For all the ways you know you need to improve, you’re actually pretty amazing. You’ve shouldered a heavy load and carried it with grace, even though you’ve stumbled along the way. Even though you’ve crumbled under the weight of it all a time or two. Today, make a list of what you’ve done right. Make sure half the list is in the present tense.
Stop throwing shade over your own self. Change the internal dialogue and speak to yourself as you would speak to your dearest friend. Or speak as the best mother — the Blessed Mother — would speak to you. Get in the habit of coaching yourself with kindness and authenticity. You can expect a lot of yourself, but do it with gentleness and graciousness. Those internal conversations shape us. If ever there were a place to hold ourselves to the highest standard of goodness, it’s in the way we speak to ourselves.
This holiday season, the best gift you can give is to take good care of yourself. You can only genuinely love your neighbor as well as you love yourself. Today is the day to start creating a life of kindness and compassion from the inside out.
Foss, whose website is takeupandread.org, writes from Connecticut.
